'Bye Massachusetts

Tomorrow is the big day. My daughters and I are finally moving back to Maine. My marriage is over, starting a new chapter, possibly a whole new book in my life. It is sad in some ways, but in other ways it is infinitely exciting. I am trying to look at life with a child's heart, but an adult's wisdom. Is that too much to ask? I just want to feel happiness again and I think living in the moment is the only way to truly experience real happiness, even for just a moment. I know I am going to find answers because it is only up from here. Everything is gonna be all right...

Still Seeking

" I am not what happens. I am the space in which everything happens."
~Eckhart Tolle

Patterns are forming
Illusions are shattered
I'd say how I felt
If I thought that I mattered

But I is a construct
and I didn't build it
I once had some hope
But I'm sure that I killed it-

Up and down, back and forth
In a constant refrain
Head up north, head up north
Go and find it again

Are these selfish motives
Just too good to be true
What I found in myself
I had looked for in you

But there was reflected
Myself back at me
By learning about another
The self is what you see

Sending Love and Light

Now that school is back in session for my girls, I'm forced to interact with the general public again. I see so many people who are gruff with their children, not paying attention, going through life in a self-induced fog of cell phones, commitments, and careers. I'm striving for peace in my own personal life and I know it seems corny or new-agey, but I have a true wish and hope for peace in the world at large as well.  This does not mean that I am going to take shit from anyone, but what it does mean is that I want to radiate positivity, love, and light to all that come in contact with me.
I have no solutions, only love. I think John Lennon may have been onto something when he said all you need is love, love is all you need. There are physical needs to be met as well, but when love is there those base needs seem to be met all by themselves naturally.
Here is what I'm envisioning for the future: Mindful people, spreading love to all corners of the globe, healing people on a soul level and raising our collective vibration so that we can see each other finally as souls instead of these worn out bodies we are so inclined to fuss and preen over. Health, healing on a psychic level for all, no matter where you come from or where you're headed. I believe it is possible. When you use love as your compass in life anything is possible. I wish you hope, health, and happiness as you find the self love to raise yourself up and out of your circumstances.

The Call

Isn't it funny how certain aspects of your life come into alignment, while at the same time other aspects are completely out of whack? I've got to laugh about it, otherwise, who knows how I'd feel.
Yesterday I get a phone call that didn't come up on the caller id, so of course I answered, since one of my daughters was still at school. As a mother, I am always on alert, especially for weird phone calls. It harkens back to the days before caller id, which I lived through. I will regale my children with tales of those less technologically connected times in the not so distant future. 
"We never knew who was calling! Can you believe it? It could have been anyone!"
Either way, I answered the phone and a friendly, Indian sounding voice said to me, "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?", and I, in my gruff, reserved for telemarketers and criminals voice said, "Who is this?".
He says, "I am calling from microsoft..." I interrupt and very rudely almost yell, "NO" and he goes "fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou".
Obviously, I hung up. I was so close to flying into a rage, but who am I going to rage against? The machine? No, not worth it. I paid good money for that machine. I took a deep breath and laughed until tears squeezed out of my tear ducts and I had to take a bathroom break. That poor fucker is sitting in cubicle somewhere trying to scam people so he can make the almighty dollar and I am chilling at home, doing whatever I want. I understand someone having to make a living and supporting your family, but you don't have to be such an asshole about it. I don't have to like him, but what I love about this situation is that I don't have to think about him at all! What an awesome realization, it is completely freeing! Its my choice what I think and how I feel. Why has it taken me so long to figure this out? Sure people have the ability to piss me off, but I also have the ability to hang up the phone or to walk away from them.
I choose my thoughts and I want them to be positive ones. However, I will be screening those calls with the answering machine, so that I won't be subject to unnecessary abuse from strangers, because ain't nobody got time for that. So from now on, I turn my back and walk away from whatever doesn't serve me in a positive way, it is my choice, after all. And please remember, Microsoft NEVER calls you at home! It's a scam. You're welcome:)

Overheard in the school yard this morning...

"If you don't want to be called a boy hopper, then stop doing it."

I love a smart kid who calls it like it is...you go, random kid.

personal

     I'm not sure if the kind of love I'm craving even exists. In my mind its supposed to be soft caresses and sweet kisses. Its supposed to be mutual respect and admiration. I want it to be genuinely caring, without a thought for what anyone else might think about us. I want to put you right beside me and stand right beside you, through whatever the world throws at us, together. I want to stand up for your rights. I want you to stand up for me. I wanted you to believe in me, just because you love me, even if I was wrong. I want to believe that things will improve, but I haven't seen it yet, so I don't believe. I'm losing hope. I don't think its possible anymore.

Instead of beauty, you try to lure me with sexy. Instead of a caress, I'm getting a slap and a push. Instead of standing beside me, you are hiding behind me and I'm left waiting to see what flavor of pie is going to hit me. At this point I know I'm better off alone. You can't love me the way I need you to. You don't even like yourself, how can you love me? I'm learning how to love myself and it looks like you are jealous. Its an impossible situation and I am tangled. I'm so tired of being me. Having to keep pushing forward. If writing stuff down is supposed to help, then why do I feel so shitty right now? Why am I crying? What good does that do? I need someone, but I don't think it can be you anymore.

Like a lion

Ice Lion, you're gorgeous, but please, where is the lamb?

You beautiful, dangerous, icy bitch.

That's winter for you.