Just Be

We are human beings, not human doings.

There is nothing wrong with letting it be.

Be yourself.

Be in the moment.

Believe.

Beyond.

Become.

Begin.

Beautiful.

Be.

When I get where I'm going...

I don't have the answers, but I'm going to trust that Someone does. I think that is called faith. I need some more of it. I need to learn to let go and trust that things really will work out. Do what I can and let Someone do the rest.

I'm not sure where I'm going, but I want to walk in the light, not in darkness. If I have to go through darkness, that's okay, as long as I can see a "pin prick" of light to walk toward. Lately I know its been cloudy and dark, but I think I see the light now.

I never claimed to be perfect, I just wanted to clarify that. I'm not perfect, never was, never will be, just in case anyone was wondering. I do not put myself up on a pedestal, I don't want to fall off. I'm just here, with my feet on the earth, trying to make sense of this life. Trying to get through this with minimal pain infliction and maximum joy. I'll figure it out eventually.

Why is it?

Why is it that when my three year old little girl does her "mommy voice", it sounds like a combination of Madeline Kahn and Miss Piggy? Is that what Mommy sounds like? Erg.

If it ain't a song...its a poem, I guess

When I heard the news, I was nude. You were rude about it, too. Robing quickly, I ran outside to see for myself and you were right. It was all over that night. I can't see myself anymore, I've become you.

It doesn't hurt much, but it stings a little. Being you is not something I would choose to do. Why did you do this to me? Why did I let you? As George said, All Things Must Pass and he was right, but I'll never forget how I felt that night. 

Burned in my brain, forever to blame, keeping myself sane through the pouring rain. If I caused you pain, I meant to for you have hurt me too and that is how love works, at least for me and you. That makes me feel so sorry, love. I'm sorry. I want that to change. I'm so tired of hurting and hurting you.

We thought we were in love, but really we just loved hurting less together. We thought we were sharing our load, but really we were just dumping it off on each other, not looking back. Looking back now, I see our burdens. I am drowning in them and you are ahead, looking back laughing. Its not funny to me anymore. I don't get how this is funny at all. I guess the joke is on me.

How do we move forward from here? One step at a time, back to trust, back to friends, maybe back to love? I know I still love you, but I already have two children, so I can't love you the same way I did before. I can't be your Mama, too. Maybe we could meet as two wholes instead of two halves. We don't fit the same mold, but maybe, just maybe together, whole, we could forge a new mold that will fit both of us, at the same time, without losing who we are in the process. Can we both fit in there?

You'll never read this, I bet, but that's okay. I do this for me, not you, one of the few things I do for me alone. Just the way you sigh when I hand you a note answers my question. I want someone (you) to want to read me, but I don't want to force you. Read me like a book and tell me how I am, remember that? I know who I am, care to find out? Do you care enough to read me and really find out? Do you? I'm not sure I can hold on that long.

Is It Okay?

If I am good to myself, then I'm selfish.

If I neglect myself, then I'm lazy.

If I don't say anything, then I'm uncaring.

If I say something, then I'm a busybody.

If I let it go, I lose.

If I don't let it go, you lose.

Either way there is no clear winner.

Is it okay?

If no one wins, to whom do the spoils go?

Do we allow them to rot on the ground?

Do we gather them up and save them for someone?

Where did my patience, caring, and love go?

Are they rotting on the ground with the spoils?

Did they even matter in this game?

Is this even a game?

And why are we playing it again?

If it were up to me, I guess we'd stop playing,

And get down to the real business at hand.

Is it up to me? 

Really?

I can't see how my business effects yours,

But your business is effecting me deeply.

I guess that explains it, but I still don't understand.

Maybe I'm not supposed to understand, 

But I cannot play the game without directions.

Have you ever had someone try to explain a card game to you, without actually playing?

Practically impossible.

You have to play to understand the game.

Otherwise the game plays you.

I prefer to play the game,

Than to get played.

I'm not playing at this, but I am playing at that.

Play me for a fool.

Play a song for me.

Play it out and see what happens.

Splay me, slay me, say its okay.

Oh well.

If I was mean to you, I'm sorry. I know that I can be.

Figuring out this "journey" is hard on my soul

And I know that it isn't easy for you, either.

If it wasn't you, it could never be anyone else.

If I knew, I wouldn't be asking you.

Is it okay?

Just say so.

End of the Line...

     Over the weekend I became obsessed with the Traveling Wilburys (again). I found the End of the Line video on youtube and I think I've watched it about a hundred times since. What a fantastic song, with a wonderful message! I've known the song for years, but sometimes a different meaning will strike me in something that I never noticed before and this is one of those times. I mean just the line, "every day is just one day," is so simple, yet so profound that I feel my head expanding just thinking of it. I had to share the video link and one verse with my friends on my becomeanex.org blog. I just had to. This song fits so well with recovery from nicotine, recovery in general, really, that I felt compelled to share it with everyone.
     I've been working up the courage to get out and play some open mic gigs and I think this is one of the songs that I want to start playing. It just has such a wonderful message. It is something that I can get behind and sing with conviction, no matter what else might be going on. Its a song that I believe in, bottom line. And really isn't that what we're all searching for? Something to believe in? Something to shoot for?
     Well it is all right. They were right. It is. Look who I get to hang out with every day. Well its all right, as long as you've got someone to love. I'm lucky to have several "someones" to love in my life. Remember and appreciate them.

Justice, card of the day...

     The first week of school is over. Annie loves kindergarten, no drama to tell her mama this week. Not even any stories of "bad kids" yet, so I bet the teacher is pleased! Her enthusiasm for school is infectious and it makes me wish I was studying something for a class instead of all this dabbling in different subjects and practices.
     If I've been studying anything lately, it has been my tarot deck. I've had it since I was in school myself, but just recently (since I've quit smoking back in March) started learning about the cards again.  I am really enjoying it. I've been sort of following this book, "Tarot For Yourself", doing the exercises in the book, giving myself a daily 3 card reading, and boy have I found some insights there. 
     I was brought up to be somewhat afraid of tarot cards, since a lot of people in the somewhat narrow minded community where I grew up looked at them like the devil's hand tool. When in reality they were just being tools. If your intention is pure then the tarot cards are just a way to show you different insights, to look at situations in a new, unseen way so that you can better deal with the obstacles and challenges in your world.
     I guess I started looking at tarot way back when as a sort of rebellion or maybe just out of curiosity, but I always felt overwhelmed, like I had to memorize all 78 cards. Now I am reading the cards intuitively first and then if I want to I can look up the meanings in a book to check it against my first impressions. I am getting so much more out of the cards this way. I am looking at what cards frequently pop up and how their positions can alter the meanings. It amazes me how these cards can truly bring a sense of self knowledge and peacefulness. I don't think I've ever reached this level of knowing myself this well before, it feels good to know what you need and how to acquire it, even if the road from here to there is long. At least I know I'm on the right road, instead of feeling like I am wandering in the dark. 
     Maybe it seems egocentric, but getting to know myself has made me feel better inside than I have in YEARS. At this point in my life I really have let go of worrying about what other people think. Even though my grandmother and mother ingrained this in my soul, I knew from the start that it wasn't my problem what anyone else thought about me. That is their problem, not mine. I know how to make myself feel worse and now I also know how to make myself feel better. Its empowering! Now I just need to force myself to make the right choice to bring myself up rather than down, because I know how easy it is to come down, up is more difficult, but feels so much better overall.
     I want my daughters to have a strong, positive mother to look up to and emulate. I feel like at this point, they have that. Now if I could just accept my husband for who he is, we'd really be making some progress...not that I don't love him, I do. Its just hard when you are doing work on improving yourself and others in your life are content with complacency. 
     The Justice card keeps popping up in my tarot readings the past several days. To me this means that I am to listen and take it all in, it is not for me to judge, just listen. There is much to be inferred from what goes on underneath and above someone's story, even my own.