'Bye Massachusetts

Tomorrow is the big day. My daughters and I are finally moving back to Maine. My marriage is over, starting a new chapter, possibly a whole new book in my life. It is sad in some ways, but in other ways it is infinitely exciting. I am trying to look at life with a child's heart, but an adult's wisdom. Is that too much to ask? I just want to feel happiness again and I think living in the moment is the only way to truly experience real happiness, even for just a moment. I know I am going to find answers because it is only up from here. Everything is gonna be all right...

Still Seeking

" I am not what happens. I am the space in which everything happens."
~Eckhart Tolle

Patterns are forming
Illusions are shattered
I'd say how I felt
If I thought that I mattered

But I is a construct
and I didn't build it
I once had some hope
But I'm sure that I killed it-

Up and down, back and forth
In a constant refrain
Head up north, head up north
Go and find it again

Are these selfish motives
Just too good to be true
What I found in myself
I had looked for in you

But there was reflected
Myself back at me
By learning about another
The self is what you see

Sending Love and Light

Now that school is back in session for my girls, I'm forced to interact with the general public again. I see so many people who are gruff with their children, not paying attention, going through life in a self-induced fog of cell phones, commitments, and careers. I'm striving for peace in my own personal life and I know it seems corny or new-agey, but I have a true wish and hope for peace in the world at large as well.  This does not mean that I am going to take shit from anyone, but what it does mean is that I want to radiate positivity, love, and light to all that come in contact with me.
I have no solutions, only love. I think John Lennon may have been onto something when he said all you need is love, love is all you need. There are physical needs to be met as well, but when love is there those base needs seem to be met all by themselves naturally.
Here is what I'm envisioning for the future: Mindful people, spreading love to all corners of the globe, healing people on a soul level and raising our collective vibration so that we can see each other finally as souls instead of these worn out bodies we are so inclined to fuss and preen over. Health, healing on a psychic level for all, no matter where you come from or where you're headed. I believe it is possible. When you use love as your compass in life anything is possible. I wish you hope, health, and happiness as you find the self love to raise yourself up and out of your circumstances.

The Call

Isn't it funny how certain aspects of your life come into alignment, while at the same time other aspects are completely out of whack? I've got to laugh about it, otherwise, who knows how I'd feel.
Yesterday I get a phone call that didn't come up on the caller id, so of course I answered, since one of my daughters was still at school. As a mother, I am always on alert, especially for weird phone calls. It harkens back to the days before caller id, which I lived through. I will regale my children with tales of those less technologically connected times in the not so distant future. 
"We never knew who was calling! Can you believe it? It could have been anyone!"
Either way, I answered the phone and a friendly, Indian sounding voice said to me, "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?", and I, in my gruff, reserved for telemarketers and criminals voice said, "Who is this?".
He says, "I am calling from microsoft..." I interrupt and very rudely almost yell, "NO" and he goes "fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou".
Obviously, I hung up. I was so close to flying into a rage, but who am I going to rage against? The machine? No, not worth it. I paid good money for that machine. I took a deep breath and laughed until tears squeezed out of my tear ducts and I had to take a bathroom break. That poor fucker is sitting in cubicle somewhere trying to scam people so he can make the almighty dollar and I am chilling at home, doing whatever I want. I understand someone having to make a living and supporting your family, but you don't have to be such an asshole about it. I don't have to like him, but what I love about this situation is that I don't have to think about him at all! What an awesome realization, it is completely freeing! Its my choice what I think and how I feel. Why has it taken me so long to figure this out? Sure people have the ability to piss me off, but I also have the ability to hang up the phone or to walk away from them.
I choose my thoughts and I want them to be positive ones. However, I will be screening those calls with the answering machine, so that I won't be subject to unnecessary abuse from strangers, because ain't nobody got time for that. So from now on, I turn my back and walk away from whatever doesn't serve me in a positive way, it is my choice, after all. And please remember, Microsoft NEVER calls you at home! It's a scam. You're welcome:)

Overheard in the school yard this morning...

"If you don't want to be called a boy hopper, then stop doing it."

I love a smart kid who calls it like it is...you go, random kid.

personal

     I'm not sure if the kind of love I'm craving even exists. In my mind its supposed to be soft caresses and sweet kisses. Its supposed to be mutual respect and admiration. I want it to be genuinely caring, without a thought for what anyone else might think about us. I want to put you right beside me and stand right beside you, through whatever the world throws at us, together. I want to stand up for your rights. I want you to stand up for me. I wanted you to believe in me, just because you love me, even if I was wrong. I want to believe that things will improve, but I haven't seen it yet, so I don't believe. I'm losing hope. I don't think its possible anymore.

Instead of beauty, you try to lure me with sexy. Instead of a caress, I'm getting a slap and a push. Instead of standing beside me, you are hiding behind me and I'm left waiting to see what flavor of pie is going to hit me. At this point I know I'm better off alone. You can't love me the way I need you to. You don't even like yourself, how can you love me? I'm learning how to love myself and it looks like you are jealous. Its an impossible situation and I am tangled. I'm so tired of being me. Having to keep pushing forward. If writing stuff down is supposed to help, then why do I feel so shitty right now? Why am I crying? What good does that do? I need someone, but I don't think it can be you anymore.

Like a lion

Ice Lion, you're gorgeous, but please, where is the lamb?

You beautiful, dangerous, icy bitch.

That's winter for you.

disappointment

I hate days like this, when burned toast makes me cry. Its not even the toast itself, it was the "idea" of the toast. 

It was gonna be so good and now its ruined. Forever.

Maybe if I took the forever out, it wouldn't matter as much, but it just doesn't seem to be worth it without the forever. It doesn't matter without it.

Still a winner

It looks like I didn't win the Powerball drawing last night, but I still feel like a winner today.

It's the exercise. It works wonders on my mood and I've forced myself to do it the past two days, first thing after getting my daughter off to school. Now the challenge...I have to keep doing it, at least 5-6 days per week.  I've never been great at discipline, but I've learned that even old dogs can learn new tricks and I'm learning how to take better care of myself.

If I go by how I feel today, there is no way I can NOT do it, because I feel fucking amazing! There should be classes on self-care. That is something that we should all know and do, but we are somewhat judged  as selfish if we actually do it. I am going to make sure my daughters know that self care is the first step of taking good care of others. Treat yourself as if you were your own child. Do for you what you do for others, because you are just as important and worthy as they are. Don't neglect yourself, don't feel selfish for wanting to be healthy and keep healthy habits. 

I wish I'd learned this years ago, but all I have is now, and hopefully tomorrow. I can't waste my time being sorry about yesterday, but I can make sure that my own history doesn't repeat itself. So if you're reading this please, take the time to take good care of yourself. You are totes mcgoats worth it!

The Routine

I'm running on my hamster wheel and
it doesn't matter how I feel.
There's things to do and things to get.
I don't have time to think just yet
Gotta get the kids to school on time.
I tell everyone that I'm just fine,
But if you really stop to look
I guess I gave more than I took.

Its the little things in life sometimes
That can stop you right there on a dime
Like that little hand that fits so well in mine
And just like that, I really am fine.

Remembering blessings you've got today
Will help to shoo those troubles away.
Even if I can't get off the wheel just yet,
There's more to life than what you can get
Or what you own or the telephone.
Look around and you will see
The best things in life are still free.
Don't discount humanity,
Because we all just want to belong
And you being right doesn't make me wrong.

If we opened our eyes then we would see,
The best things in life are still quite free.

Alarm Bells

¹alarm

 noun \ə-ˈlärm\

: a device that makes a loud sound as a warning or signal

: a feeling of fear caused by a sudden sense of danger

: a warning of danger

What is the point of having an alarm if no one responds to it? I'm just wondering. I am responding to my own sense of alarm, but I am not sure what to do about it, so I suppose I'll just wait it out and do nothing instead. I'll wait for whatever the alarm was supposed to warn me about to happen and then clean up the mess after the fact. Kind of makes the alarm itself irrelevant, doesn't it? I mean if I'm reacting the same way now as I would when the alarm goes off, then what is the alarm really for? To scare others away or to "alarm" me to the fact that someone is trying to get in? 

I think when an alarm goes off, someone should respond, whether it be the police, fire fighters, EMTs, I mean, whoever the alarm is relevant to in that particular situation. If the alarm goes off and no one responds then that was not an alarm, it was an anti-alarm. I am anti-responding. I guess my point is, let's stop making alarms over nothing. OR let's make a promise to respond if something is important, but we really need to decide what is important first. Either way a discussion is in order and I personally would rather not open that particular can of worms. Maybe that is why no one is responding, we don't want to talk about it and therefore nothing will get done about it. No, wait, that's just my life. Never mind.

    Until I decide to make big changes, those alarms will just keep on going off and I can't say a word about it. Because if I'm not a part of the solution, then I suppose I must be a part of the problem. Although using logic in complicated relationships is a little boxy and gives me a squeamish feeling. I rarely fit in any one box and I doubt you do either. My feet or my heart always end up sticking out the side. I don't fold neatly into a square, or a triangle, or a fucking circle either. I am many shapes all at once and until you get that, talking about it is useless. I can't be your excuse camouflaged as a reason. I won't let you hold me there, because I learned a long time ago (last year) that I really am important, even if only to me. I finally started living for what I want, instead of what I think I'm supposed to want for everyone else. This freedom tastes too sweet to relinquish, even if you do sugarcoat my prison cell. You know how much I love sweets! But no. I finally care about myself and all your tantrums and bad behavior won't stop that. This train is a rolling down the line and you can hop on board or get the fuck outta the way. Love me or leave me alone. And maybe the next time I hear those alarm bells ring I won't just sit there stupidly and ask, "what are those alarms for?"

I will act upon them, the way alarms were meant to be used. So get ready.

Foreverly Rest In Peace Phil

I just heard the news that Phil Everly died yesterday from complications of C.O.P.D. I know Phil is free now, but I am sad for his family, who I'm sure will miss him so much and I'm also sad for the rest of the world. We have lost an inspired, talented man. Heaven has gained an angel. Phil finally has wings to match his beautiful, harmonizing voice so well. They look good on you brother.

One lesson I think we all can take from Phil's death is that smoking kills and sometimes it kills slowly, as with C.O.P.D. If you smoke cigarettes, please quit, or at least start thinking about making a plan to quit. I know its not easy, its an addiction, but quitting is possible. People do it. I did it after smoking for 19 years. It wasn't easy, but I pushed through, found support and now I feel better in my mind, body, and soul, but really this isn't about me. Make the choice to make your life better. Becomeanex.org

Phil Everly's music has made my life better, brought me joy and other tougher emotions through his music and I truly appreciate his contribution to my life and the world as a whole. Thank you Phil, for making my life better with your wonderful harmonies. Thank you for inspiring me. I hope to get an opportunity to see you on the other side, maybe lay down some harmony. Rest in peace Foreverly more Phil.

G & T

Every relationship is full of give and take, sometimes "fairly" (quotes used because as I became an "adult" I realized that fair is something that children strive for, it doesn't exist for me in my real adult life)sometimes not, but either way there is giving and there is taking going on constantly. I would rather give than take, in most instances, but there are times when I feel like I have given my all, everything I have, and then someone wants more. Surprisingly enough, even those times when I am sure I'm completely empty, I find something more to give. I find that the more I give, the more I have to give and I believe the reverse is also true, the more I take, the more I want to take. Today I feel grateful for those who have given to me. I feel grateful that I have a chance to give to others myself. I am not talking about money, riches, or things. I am talking about giving of myself, giving wisdom, comfort, support, and love. I pray to my Higher Power that I may always have those things in abundance to give and share with others and I also pray that I may be humble enough to take those things from others when they feel the grace to offer them to me. Let me be gracious with my giving and let me also be gracious with my taking and let me find a balance between the two, as a fountain flows underground and back again to the apex, let my giving and taking replenish me and other people around me. Let our giving and taking cool our souls with healing waters and help us to feel connected to the greater good within and without all of us. When I connect with that Source, I know that everything is going to be okay and I want everyone else to know that, too. We are going to be okay. So today I will give my all to those who need me and I will trust that when I need it, there will be someone to give me the same, because I deserve it and so do you.

why?

The wind whispers because...

and it must be answer enough.

My America

Overwhelmed and never paid
I guess its not my day today.
The dog is dying, the kids are sick
And that's not even the worst of it.
Where'd my motivation go?
I wanna run, but my heart says no.
This isn't how its supposed to be
in the land of the brave and the home of the free.

Where is my American dream?
I fell through the cracks of the dream machine.
It spit me out after cranking me through
the cogs that were oiled with the blood of our youth.
bruised, battered, hurt, broke down and bloodied
I never even saw it coming.
I went from zero to sixty in a cat's eye blink
Now I'm tethered here to the kitchen sink.
I am living the life my grandmother escaped
I thought she was wrong, but I made a mistake.
Now its too late, the path has been chosen
And all of my assets are conveniently frozen.
Too poor to change, but not poor of spirit.
I know God is talking, if I could just hear it.
Was that a whisper, or did I hear a scream?

someone please save me from this american dream

part of it

I've been traveling on this journey, on my path, if you will, for what seems like an eternity at times and other times it seems like an eye's blink. Today it is a little of both. My mother informed me today that a very close friend of her's whom I have known my whole life has lung cancer. Even though I am trying to hold it in, I am really shattered. I just feel so sad for her and for her wonderful family. They are good people and they don't deserve to have to deal with this right now, or ever, frankly. Its not even my family, but I wish God could take it back. And of course she is a former smoker, so along with the shittiness of being sick, there is the guilt factor, that this was preventable and she did it to herself by smoking. Well, I think it just sucks all around and I'm angry and upset, but I'm not going to choose to smoke cigarettes over it. Fuck that.
I am going to sit down and say a prayer for healing and health for her and another prayer for strength for her family, her children, husband, parents, siblings, and friends. She is one of those women who LIVES her life. She is a light to so many people who know her. The thought of her wasting away in a hospital bed is unthinkable to me. So I'm not going to think about that right now. For now I am just going to concentrate on the fact that she is in a doctor's care and that she is going to get a second opinion, and then move forward from that. I want to wish her back to health, but all I can do if offer my prayers and support and let God take care of the rest. 
And I can count my own blessings. Even if I were diagnosed with cancer today, at least I would have the peace of knowing that I didn't have to go through nicotine withdrawal again. I hate you tobacco and I wish you would die, instead of killing all these people who made the mistake of getting addicted to you. We knew, but we didn't REALLY know. NOW we know, and it may be too late, but at least we know, right? I dunno. I know I'm not going back and I am doing everything in my power to keep myself on the straight and narrow. But it would only take one puff to put me right back there, that is what scares me. I don't want my family to see me get sick and watch me die. I want to go out in a plane crash, or by falling off a sprinting horse, or asleep peacefully in my bed when I'm 110. I want to die an heroic death, free of disease, free of nicotine. God I hope so, but there are no guarantees. I might have already smoked the cancer triggering cigarette, but that isn't going to stop me from relishing my freedom now. All I have is today and it is always my choice how I feel. So I'm going to continue to strive for imperfection in everything, I mean really what other choice do I have?

One Step

That is all it takes for a journey to begin, 

One Step.

Here's to new beginnings, middles, and endings. And all the steps it takes to get to those points. One step is bravery personified and its really very simple. I mean, really though, it is only

One Step.

That is all it takes. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other and the world is possible.

Choices

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." That is not my quote. I didn't write that and I can't remember right now who did, but I've been repeating it to myself for the past several days. I don't know what is going on with me, but I think it may be depression. I'm just having a hard time finding sunshine in my life lately. I'm snappish and angry all the time. I cry for no reason (or any reason) whatsoever. I'm lonely as hell and sad. What is it I need to change? I've been "trying" to cultivate a good attitude, but I know I am falling short by quite a bit. I've been toying with the idea of starting smoking again and that depresses me even more. I think I know what this stems from, it is financial and geographical in nature. I'd like to be able to supplement our income somehow, but every time I want to make the leap, I get too scared and wimp out. Time and money. Money and time. Smoking is not going to help anything, but somehow in the deep recesses of my brain I must think it will. I am going to continue my journey and try to remain hopeful that good things will happen for us, if I just keep on pushing, keep on trying. Its okay for me to feel down, as long as I don't give up. I don't want to hate myself for smoking. I really don't want to have to start all over again. I want to go through the other side of this and the only way to do that is to remain committed. I CAN do this. I AM doing it now. Just keep going Cory. Its my choice and I choose to be free.

Don't Think Twice, Its All Right

Here are some new verses for this song that I wrote yesterday. I really like the first one. Dedicated to Bob and George...I hope its not plagiarism, I don't think so...but anyway...


I'm walking kinda funny down the road babe,
Where I'm bound, I don't care.
If you don't know where you're going
Any road will take you there.

If you ever wondered if you were free,
Just check your back pocket for any money.
That's what freedom costs, "we the people", you and me,
But don't think twice, its all right. 

I need to get out to the country,
Start living off the land.
Looks like everyone was busy working,
while I was making plans.

You gotta spend it to make it,
So I'd like to get me some,
But I'm turning round and staring down the barrel of a gun,
And I don't really like what this country has become,
but don't think twice its all right.

Ba dum bum

My awful, wonderful husband left me alone with the kids last night to see if he could get a ticket to see one of our favorite bands of all time, Pearl Jam, downtown. He managed to get a ticket after the show started for 20 bucks. I can't wait to get a chance later to talk to him about it...from the few minutes we had together this morning he said it was incredible. He also brought home their new album, Lightning Bolt, so I am excited to blare that later, once it is a more decent hour for music blaring around here. I'm jealous of him for getting to go, but I can never hold onto those feelings for too long.
Last weekend we happened to catch the documentary Pearl Jam Twenty. Great fucking movie. Its really quite strange, though. Peter and I got together around the same time Pearl Jam did and minus a brief hiatus, have been together ever since. You could definitely say that Pearl Jam has been a part of the soundtrack of our relationship. Sometimes when I hear a song like yellow ledbetter I am transported back to a different time in my life. Once pregnant with possibilities, now curled and sleeping, but the possibility of more action is imminent. I feel my life pulsing in their music.
Man are they a brilliant band. I feel like I know them, but I always feel that way about those who musically inspire me. I just hope the new album measures up to their talents. Looking forward to it.