G & T

Every relationship is full of give and take, sometimes "fairly" (quotes used because as I became an "adult" I realized that fair is something that children strive for, it doesn't exist for me in my real adult life)sometimes not, but either way there is giving and there is taking going on constantly. I would rather give than take, in most instances, but there are times when I feel like I have given my all, everything I have, and then someone wants more. Surprisingly enough, even those times when I am sure I'm completely empty, I find something more to give. I find that the more I give, the more I have to give and I believe the reverse is also true, the more I take, the more I want to take. Today I feel grateful for those who have given to me. I feel grateful that I have a chance to give to others myself. I am not talking about money, riches, or things. I am talking about giving of myself, giving wisdom, comfort, support, and love. I pray to my Higher Power that I may always have those things in abundance to give and share with others and I also pray that I may be humble enough to take those things from others when they feel the grace to offer them to me. Let me be gracious with my giving and let me also be gracious with my taking and let me find a balance between the two, as a fountain flows underground and back again to the apex, let my giving and taking replenish me and other people around me. Let our giving and taking cool our souls with healing waters and help us to feel connected to the greater good within and without all of us. When I connect with that Source, I know that everything is going to be okay and I want everyone else to know that, too. We are going to be okay. So today I will give my all to those who need me and I will trust that when I need it, there will be someone to give me the same, because I deserve it and so do you.

why?

The wind whispers because...

and it must be answer enough.

My America

Overwhelmed and never paid
I guess its not my day today.
The dog is dying, the kids are sick
And that's not even the worst of it.
Where'd my motivation go?
I wanna run, but my heart says no.
This isn't how its supposed to be
in the land of the brave and the home of the free.

Where is my American dream?
I fell through the cracks of the dream machine.
It spit me out after cranking me through
the cogs that were oiled with the blood of our youth.
bruised, battered, hurt, broke down and bloodied
I never even saw it coming.
I went from zero to sixty in a cat's eye blink
Now I'm tethered here to the kitchen sink.
I am living the life my grandmother escaped
I thought she was wrong, but I made a mistake.
Now its too late, the path has been chosen
And all of my assets are conveniently frozen.
Too poor to change, but not poor of spirit.
I know God is talking, if I could just hear it.
Was that a whisper, or did I hear a scream?

someone please save me from this american dream

part of it

I've been traveling on this journey, on my path, if you will, for what seems like an eternity at times and other times it seems like an eye's blink. Today it is a little of both. My mother informed me today that a very close friend of her's whom I have known my whole life has lung cancer. Even though I am trying to hold it in, I am really shattered. I just feel so sad for her and for her wonderful family. They are good people and they don't deserve to have to deal with this right now, or ever, frankly. Its not even my family, but I wish God could take it back. And of course she is a former smoker, so along with the shittiness of being sick, there is the guilt factor, that this was preventable and she did it to herself by smoking. Well, I think it just sucks all around and I'm angry and upset, but I'm not going to choose to smoke cigarettes over it. Fuck that.
I am going to sit down and say a prayer for healing and health for her and another prayer for strength for her family, her children, husband, parents, siblings, and friends. She is one of those women who LIVES her life. She is a light to so many people who know her. The thought of her wasting away in a hospital bed is unthinkable to me. So I'm not going to think about that right now. For now I am just going to concentrate on the fact that she is in a doctor's care and that she is going to get a second opinion, and then move forward from that. I want to wish her back to health, but all I can do if offer my prayers and support and let God take care of the rest. 
And I can count my own blessings. Even if I were diagnosed with cancer today, at least I would have the peace of knowing that I didn't have to go through nicotine withdrawal again. I hate you tobacco and I wish you would die, instead of killing all these people who made the mistake of getting addicted to you. We knew, but we didn't REALLY know. NOW we know, and it may be too late, but at least we know, right? I dunno. I know I'm not going back and I am doing everything in my power to keep myself on the straight and narrow. But it would only take one puff to put me right back there, that is what scares me. I don't want my family to see me get sick and watch me die. I want to go out in a plane crash, or by falling off a sprinting horse, or asleep peacefully in my bed when I'm 110. I want to die an heroic death, free of disease, free of nicotine. God I hope so, but there are no guarantees. I might have already smoked the cancer triggering cigarette, but that isn't going to stop me from relishing my freedom now. All I have is today and it is always my choice how I feel. So I'm going to continue to strive for imperfection in everything, I mean really what other choice do I have?