One Step

That is all it takes for a journey to begin, 

One Step.

Here's to new beginnings, middles, and endings. And all the steps it takes to get to those points. One step is bravery personified and its really very simple. I mean, really though, it is only

One Step.

That is all it takes. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other and the world is possible.

Choices

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." That is not my quote. I didn't write that and I can't remember right now who did, but I've been repeating it to myself for the past several days. I don't know what is going on with me, but I think it may be depression. I'm just having a hard time finding sunshine in my life lately. I'm snappish and angry all the time. I cry for no reason (or any reason) whatsoever. I'm lonely as hell and sad. What is it I need to change? I've been "trying" to cultivate a good attitude, but I know I am falling short by quite a bit. I've been toying with the idea of starting smoking again and that depresses me even more. I think I know what this stems from, it is financial and geographical in nature. I'd like to be able to supplement our income somehow, but every time I want to make the leap, I get too scared and wimp out. Time and money. Money and time. Smoking is not going to help anything, but somehow in the deep recesses of my brain I must think it will. I am going to continue my journey and try to remain hopeful that good things will happen for us, if I just keep on pushing, keep on trying. Its okay for me to feel down, as long as I don't give up. I don't want to hate myself for smoking. I really don't want to have to start all over again. I want to go through the other side of this and the only way to do that is to remain committed. I CAN do this. I AM doing it now. Just keep going Cory. Its my choice and I choose to be free.

Don't Think Twice, Its All Right

Here are some new verses for this song that I wrote yesterday. I really like the first one. Dedicated to Bob and George...I hope its not plagiarism, I don't think so...but anyway...


I'm walking kinda funny down the road babe,
Where I'm bound, I don't care.
If you don't know where you're going
Any road will take you there.

If you ever wondered if you were free,
Just check your back pocket for any money.
That's what freedom costs, "we the people", you and me,
But don't think twice, its all right. 

I need to get out to the country,
Start living off the land.
Looks like everyone was busy working,
while I was making plans.

You gotta spend it to make it,
So I'd like to get me some,
But I'm turning round and staring down the barrel of a gun,
And I don't really like what this country has become,
but don't think twice its all right.

Ba dum bum

My awful, wonderful husband left me alone with the kids last night to see if he could get a ticket to see one of our favorite bands of all time, Pearl Jam, downtown. He managed to get a ticket after the show started for 20 bucks. I can't wait to get a chance later to talk to him about it...from the few minutes we had together this morning he said it was incredible. He also brought home their new album, Lightning Bolt, so I am excited to blare that later, once it is a more decent hour for music blaring around here. I'm jealous of him for getting to go, but I can never hold onto those feelings for too long.
Last weekend we happened to catch the documentary Pearl Jam Twenty. Great fucking movie. Its really quite strange, though. Peter and I got together around the same time Pearl Jam did and minus a brief hiatus, have been together ever since. You could definitely say that Pearl Jam has been a part of the soundtrack of our relationship. Sometimes when I hear a song like yellow ledbetter I am transported back to a different time in my life. Once pregnant with possibilities, now curled and sleeping, but the possibility of more action is imminent. I feel my life pulsing in their music.
Man are they a brilliant band. I feel like I know them, but I always feel that way about those who musically inspire me. I just hope the new album measures up to their talents. Looking forward to it.

Tuesday Blues

Well I woke up this morning, got a pain in my head.
Yes I woke up this morning, I got pain deep in my head.
If it wasn't already Tuesday, I'd wish I was already dead.

Oh ya

Well my baby's gone to work and the babies gotta go to school.
Oh yes my baby's gone to work and the babies got to get up and go to school.
I've got to find my motivation, this is no time to be acting a fool.

I got them Tuesday blues babe, forget that long weekend...
You know I got them Tuesday blues my honey, forget that long weekend.
Before I thought about it too much, I looked and its Friday again.

Oh ya

I love you Tab Benoit. Take me back to the swamp and make me your lil cajun sex slave. I'll play rhythm.♥

Today

I'm feeling so much better today. I woke up this morning with the thought in my head, "today is going to be a great day," so therefore it is! I am my own self-fulfilling prophecy.

TODAY IS  A GREAT DAY!

A friend on becomeanex.org shared this pic with everyone and I had to save it because it resonated with me so much. I feel like in the past six months I have accelerated my own personal evolution. I am becoming who I always wanted to be, bit by little bit. Even though I know there will be days (like yesterday) that kick my ass, they won't make me slave or knock me off my path. I am proving this every time I go through another tough time on my own, without nicotine, I might add!! 

I'm going to keep moving forward because there is more for me to discover and enjoy. There is no destination, except bliss and that can be found anywhere, so lucky me.

a bad day

I'm embarrassed to feel this way. I'm supposed to be over it and I'm supposedly strong. Don't I usually have all the answers? Not today I don't.

I know this is how relapses start, the slow decline, the rationalizations, but I can't bring myself to blog on EX right now. I know the support is there, but I am ashamed to be feeling this way at this point in my quit. I want to be one of the positive, happy quitters all the time. I don't want to feel like this and put it out there, I just don't. I cried in public today, talk about embarrassing. I don't know if anyone saw me or not, but I had to stop walking and compose myself, tears and snot running down my face. Thank goodness I happened to have a mess of tissues in my pocket. I just keep telling myself all that self talk I've learned, smoking won't make it go away...but I still feel really bad. 

We came home from our walk, I got Rosie situated with a tv show, then I went in my room and sobbed. Gemi came up and licked the snot and tears from my face. I invited him up on the bed with me and spooned him for a while. I started crying harder because he is so old and I know his time is coming. My source of unconditional love is dying, at least on this plane. Oh great, I'm crying again. I've got to stop this right now. Thinking about everything, makes me feel like I can't do this...live this life.

I just want to feel good again. Smoking will make me feel like shit, I know that. I know that craves last 3 minutes and then they're gone. I know that smoking never made anyone's stress go away. I know that they travel in packs and that I can never have just one. I know that the only way out is through. I know that I need to get through at least 4 seasons of triggers. I know how to say NOPE and NEF. I know this stuff, so WHY? WHY when life hits me with stress am I STILL THINKING ABOUT SMOKING? WHY? What do I think I'm going to get out of it? All I would get is a greater urge to smoke more. See? I do know, now I just gotta convince myself of the truth of that statement. Deep down I know the truth, but that addict inside me is still in there, chattering away, making me doubt reality.

I guess I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I want my life to get easier. I want to feel capable again. I want to disappear into the woods! I want to have a patch of ground that I can grow my own food on, a place to "start" my life. I want money. I want to not have to make difficult choices. I want some peace from these thoughts.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

For humans of any age, life is fraught with troubles, problems, and stress. Luckily for us, it is also peppered with beauty, wonder, and love. There are always two sides to every story, sometimes more than two. There are many ways to look at a problem and different sets of eyes will see things in alternate ways. There is always a chance for a situation to improve. There are always ways in which you can approach even the toughest issue with love and compassion, for yourself as well as for others. These are things I am learning as I age, that I wish I knew when I was younger. I hope to be able to pass them on to my daughters, to help them learn this while they are younger, to save them some depression or heartbreak. I know I can't protect them from everything (and I shouldn't), but if I can give them a little boost up into partial enlightenment, wouldn't that be a nice gift? I think so. I'm going to share this stuff with them and hope that they will be able to hear it and apply it to their own lives as they grow. I certainly had a hard time hearing my own mother as a kid, so I'm not sure they will benefit from it, but I'm still going to try. Maybe, (like me) they will realize when they are in their twenties that yes, Mom was right about everything.

Here is something...

Free yourself. Let your ordinary reality be illuminated with wonder and magic. 
I think if we all allowed a little wonder and magic into our lives we would be bowled over with joy. It is inside all of us. Its already there, we just have to free it to enjoy it. Today I'm setting my spirit free to roam, wonder, imagine, conjure, and soar. No agenda, no plan, no destination. I'm just going to be me and enjoy it, because I can and because being joyful just feels so much better than being grouchy. I choose joy and not because of a lack of problems in my life. I choose joy because of the problems in my life. Its my choice and I would rather be happy, so be it.