But it's my job...

My youngest daughter and I just returned from our daily dog walk. It is a beautiful day here and we get out for a walk any day that it isn't raining too hard. It is a great time for me to think, to talk to Rosie about what she thinks, connect with our dog, and just commune with the nature that we find in little nooks and crannies of the city. On Mondays, the city workers come with mowers and mow our park. Today a city worker said hi to me and thanked me for picking up my dog's poop. I was floored and I said, no problem, its my job! It really made me feel good though! I always carry poop bags with me because my elderly dog has no compunctions about dropping a deuce right on the sidewalk and I would be so angry if I stepped in someone else's dog's mess, so I just always pick it up. It is the right thing to do, however, a lot of people don't do it. They just let their dog poop willy-nilly on whatever they choose and walk away. Maybe I was one of those people once, before I had kids and realized one of the kid laws is, if there is dog poop anywhere in a mile radius of my kid, she WILL step in it, track it through our house, and cause me much stress and mess. That is just my experience, maybe your kid isn't like that, but mine is, I've accepted it. S'ok. That is part of the reason why I am somewhat vigilant about dog poop pick up and removal. Another reason? It smells. Have you ever walked by an area that has been used for dog elimination on a hot sunny day? The fumes of sun baked dog urine and feces are so not pleasant and I hate the idea of my dog contributing to city stench. BUT I never get THANKED for doing what I know needs to be done! That was so surprising and wonderful, so to the city worker, thanks for noticing and thank you for making my day! The next time I see someone doing the right thing, I am going to make it a point to say thank you, because I love this feeling and I want to spread it.

This Land is Your Land

I wrote a new verse for This Land is Your Land the other day. I really liked it and I wanted to put it in my blog to remember it.

This land is your land
This land is my land 
From California, to the New York island
From the redwood forests, to the gulf stream waters,
This land was made for you and me.


We gotta protect it and we gotta respect it.
Because we don't own it and we don't wanna blow it.
I want my children and my children's children
to be here on this land, free like me.


I have been singing this song since I was a child and I still love it. Thank you so much Woody Guthrie.♥

For the boy I told not to text and drive today...

Everybody's rushing, running around.
No one's looking up, they're all looking down.
Unless you're on facebook, they've no time to see,
The realness of you, the human in me.

Keep pushing, keep going beyond the line,
Nothing is right, but they tell you its fine.
Soon you will wonder where everyone went,
Once all of your time and money's been spent.

Put down your phone, look me in the face.
Is this what real human contact's replaced?
Time to wise up and try to understand,
What everyone's doing with a phone in their hand.

I know it isn't easy to relate.
Not everything in life is first rate.
We've all got too much on our plate,
But let's get one thing straight...

You gotta put down your cell and talk to someone.
Don't make it awkward, it can be done.
I know it can sometimes be a strain,
But sunshine usually follows after the rain.

People are ready for you to reach out.
It may not be easy, you may have your doubts,
Just make the right choice to speak out in the end.
That person just might end up being your friend.

Put down your phone and talk to a real person, in person!

In Case You Were Wondering

You are important.

In case you were curious, you mean something to someone.

Just in case you forgot, people love you.

There is someone who needs you.  
There is someone who wants you.

Even if you don't see them or realize it right now,

YOU MATTER.

A lot.

Just a reminder...try to remember that please, as you go about your day and make your choices.
You matter to someone and they care very much.

Here Comes Sunshine

Line up a long shot

Maybe try two times

Maybe more

Good to know

you got shoes to wear

when you find the floor

Why hold out for more?

Here comes sunshine
...here comes sunshine!

Asking you nice now

keep the mother rolling

one more time

Been down before
but you just don't have to
go no more
no more

Here comes sunshine
...here comes sunshine!

~Robert Hunter

Just a little excerpt from Robert Hunter's lyrics to inspire me today. I been down before, but I just don't have to go no more. No more. I just don't have to go. I know that sunshine is coming, I can hang on until then.

Depression Cure

I've been consciously improving myself every day. I started by quitting smoking back in March. I have been exercising 6 days a week. I walk with the dog and my neighbor every day once my hubby gets home from work. I have been working on controlling my emotions, especially my anger, around my family. Its not been easy, but I really do feel better "trying" to do these things.
Consciously working toward a goal feels really good and I wish I had realized this earlier in my life. Maybe right now I wouldn't be wishing I had done more, followed more of my dreams, but I can't live my life according to the past alone, so I try to let those thought float away and hold onto the the productive thoughts.

Here is something I have figured out. Smoking cigarettes depressed me, it didn't bring me up out of my depression at all. It was part of the cycle that brought me down. I also believe with all my heart that regular exercise, as in really sweat inducing workouts, are a depression cure for me. Just for the record, I hate working out. I hate being sweaty and hot. I hate the burning muscles. I hate the whole deal, BUT I love the way I feel afterward! The way I feel the whole rest of the day after a workout makes the initial discomfort and sweaty-ness completely worth it. You gotta get comfortable, with being uncomfortable. No pain, no gain. Those things are true. I am so happy that I have finally figured that out. It is empowering to be able to do something (that is free!) to make myself feel better. Anyone who has a working body can work out, even without expensive equipment or a fitness studio. So here is my unwanted advice for the day, go move around! Do some jumping jacks, bounce on an exercise ball, take your poor dog for a walk, do arm circles. Just get up and move, no matter whether its a big or small movement. Movement of any kind is beneficial and I am so thankful to know this! 

No matter what else is going on, I am thankful to be alive and to have a sound body. Thank God for my blessings, when I really look at the big picture, I have a lot to be thankful for.

just saying bob dylan

Just because I'm not smiling, doesn't mean something's wrong, but now that you mention it...

I felt upset being left behind, but I'm over it.

Just because I know the words, doesn't mean I have to sing along, but now that I think about it...

I might as well belt it out loud and strong, I'll feel better for it.

I am the person you wish you knew, but you'll never know that.

The one you snubbed was the one with the answers, but there's no telling.

No telling at all.

You made up your history, here's the short version of mine. 
When somebody asks, you say that you're fine. 
Doing what matters, what matters most? 
Stay in the lines and down the hills you can coast. 
But when they ask me who influenced you, I still always say you.
I'm not saying its your fault, all of its mine.
Just saying you were there with me, all down the line.
You didn't know it, but I fucking did.
I started listening to you when I was a kid.
You put pieces together, of words, rhymes, and tune.
Took me for a ride in your hand-made balloon.
We passed over patchwork, suffering, love.
On a wing and a prayer, we flew like a dove.
I believed it all, but I knew your worldview, 
Was now a fantasy, fame had skewed.
If you sold your soul to the devil, I understand.
You had to, to execute your plan.

We all know the devil ain't real.
I don't believe in anything I can't feel.
I feel you, therefore I believe.
I believe in whatever you've got up your sleeve.
Time is a wave and I rode it with you.
I wasn't yet born, but I was there, too.

Just Be

We are human beings, not human doings.

There is nothing wrong with letting it be.

Be yourself.

Be in the moment.

Believe.

Beyond.

Become.

Begin.

Beautiful.

Be.

When I get where I'm going...

I don't have the answers, but I'm going to trust that Someone does. I think that is called faith. I need some more of it. I need to learn to let go and trust that things really will work out. Do what I can and let Someone do the rest.

I'm not sure where I'm going, but I want to walk in the light, not in darkness. If I have to go through darkness, that's okay, as long as I can see a "pin prick" of light to walk toward. Lately I know its been cloudy and dark, but I think I see the light now.

I never claimed to be perfect, I just wanted to clarify that. I'm not perfect, never was, never will be, just in case anyone was wondering. I do not put myself up on a pedestal, I don't want to fall off. I'm just here, with my feet on the earth, trying to make sense of this life. Trying to get through this with minimal pain infliction and maximum joy. I'll figure it out eventually.

Why is it?

Why is it that when my three year old little girl does her "mommy voice", it sounds like a combination of Madeline Kahn and Miss Piggy? Is that what Mommy sounds like? Erg.

If it ain't a song...its a poem, I guess

When I heard the news, I was nude. You were rude about it, too. Robing quickly, I ran outside to see for myself and you were right. It was all over that night. I can't see myself anymore, I've become you.

It doesn't hurt much, but it stings a little. Being you is not something I would choose to do. Why did you do this to me? Why did I let you? As George said, All Things Must Pass and he was right, but I'll never forget how I felt that night. 

Burned in my brain, forever to blame, keeping myself sane through the pouring rain. If I caused you pain, I meant to for you have hurt me too and that is how love works, at least for me and you. That makes me feel so sorry, love. I'm sorry. I want that to change. I'm so tired of hurting and hurting you.

We thought we were in love, but really we just loved hurting less together. We thought we were sharing our load, but really we were just dumping it off on each other, not looking back. Looking back now, I see our burdens. I am drowning in them and you are ahead, looking back laughing. Its not funny to me anymore. I don't get how this is funny at all. I guess the joke is on me.

How do we move forward from here? One step at a time, back to trust, back to friends, maybe back to love? I know I still love you, but I already have two children, so I can't love you the same way I did before. I can't be your Mama, too. Maybe we could meet as two wholes instead of two halves. We don't fit the same mold, but maybe, just maybe together, whole, we could forge a new mold that will fit both of us, at the same time, without losing who we are in the process. Can we both fit in there?

You'll never read this, I bet, but that's okay. I do this for me, not you, one of the few things I do for me alone. Just the way you sigh when I hand you a note answers my question. I want someone (you) to want to read me, but I don't want to force you. Read me like a book and tell me how I am, remember that? I know who I am, care to find out? Do you care enough to read me and really find out? Do you? I'm not sure I can hold on that long.

Is It Okay?

If I am good to myself, then I'm selfish.

If I neglect myself, then I'm lazy.

If I don't say anything, then I'm uncaring.

If I say something, then I'm a busybody.

If I let it go, I lose.

If I don't let it go, you lose.

Either way there is no clear winner.

Is it okay?

If no one wins, to whom do the spoils go?

Do we allow them to rot on the ground?

Do we gather them up and save them for someone?

Where did my patience, caring, and love go?

Are they rotting on the ground with the spoils?

Did they even matter in this game?

Is this even a game?

And why are we playing it again?

If it were up to me, I guess we'd stop playing,

And get down to the real business at hand.

Is it up to me? 

Really?

I can't see how my business effects yours,

But your business is effecting me deeply.

I guess that explains it, but I still don't understand.

Maybe I'm not supposed to understand, 

But I cannot play the game without directions.

Have you ever had someone try to explain a card game to you, without actually playing?

Practically impossible.

You have to play to understand the game.

Otherwise the game plays you.

I prefer to play the game,

Than to get played.

I'm not playing at this, but I am playing at that.

Play me for a fool.

Play a song for me.

Play it out and see what happens.

Splay me, slay me, say its okay.

Oh well.

If I was mean to you, I'm sorry. I know that I can be.

Figuring out this "journey" is hard on my soul

And I know that it isn't easy for you, either.

If it wasn't you, it could never be anyone else.

If I knew, I wouldn't be asking you.

Is it okay?

Just say so.

End of the Line...

     Over the weekend I became obsessed with the Traveling Wilburys (again). I found the End of the Line video on youtube and I think I've watched it about a hundred times since. What a fantastic song, with a wonderful message! I've known the song for years, but sometimes a different meaning will strike me in something that I never noticed before and this is one of those times. I mean just the line, "every day is just one day," is so simple, yet so profound that I feel my head expanding just thinking of it. I had to share the video link and one verse with my friends on my becomeanex.org blog. I just had to. This song fits so well with recovery from nicotine, recovery in general, really, that I felt compelled to share it with everyone.
     I've been working up the courage to get out and play some open mic gigs and I think this is one of the songs that I want to start playing. It just has such a wonderful message. It is something that I can get behind and sing with conviction, no matter what else might be going on. Its a song that I believe in, bottom line. And really isn't that what we're all searching for? Something to believe in? Something to shoot for?
     Well it is all right. They were right. It is. Look who I get to hang out with every day. Well its all right, as long as you've got someone to love. I'm lucky to have several "someones" to love in my life. Remember and appreciate them.

Justice, card of the day...

     The first week of school is over. Annie loves kindergarten, no drama to tell her mama this week. Not even any stories of "bad kids" yet, so I bet the teacher is pleased! Her enthusiasm for school is infectious and it makes me wish I was studying something for a class instead of all this dabbling in different subjects and practices.
     If I've been studying anything lately, it has been my tarot deck. I've had it since I was in school myself, but just recently (since I've quit smoking back in March) started learning about the cards again.  I am really enjoying it. I've been sort of following this book, "Tarot For Yourself", doing the exercises in the book, giving myself a daily 3 card reading, and boy have I found some insights there. 
     I was brought up to be somewhat afraid of tarot cards, since a lot of people in the somewhat narrow minded community where I grew up looked at them like the devil's hand tool. When in reality they were just being tools. If your intention is pure then the tarot cards are just a way to show you different insights, to look at situations in a new, unseen way so that you can better deal with the obstacles and challenges in your world.
     I guess I started looking at tarot way back when as a sort of rebellion or maybe just out of curiosity, but I always felt overwhelmed, like I had to memorize all 78 cards. Now I am reading the cards intuitively first and then if I want to I can look up the meanings in a book to check it against my first impressions. I am getting so much more out of the cards this way. I am looking at what cards frequently pop up and how their positions can alter the meanings. It amazes me how these cards can truly bring a sense of self knowledge and peacefulness. I don't think I've ever reached this level of knowing myself this well before, it feels good to know what you need and how to acquire it, even if the road from here to there is long. At least I know I'm on the right road, instead of feeling like I am wandering in the dark. 
     Maybe it seems egocentric, but getting to know myself has made me feel better inside than I have in YEARS. At this point in my life I really have let go of worrying about what other people think. Even though my grandmother and mother ingrained this in my soul, I knew from the start that it wasn't my problem what anyone else thought about me. That is their problem, not mine. I know how to make myself feel worse and now I also know how to make myself feel better. Its empowering! Now I just need to force myself to make the right choice to bring myself up rather than down, because I know how easy it is to come down, up is more difficult, but feels so much better overall.
     I want my daughters to have a strong, positive mother to look up to and emulate. I feel like at this point, they have that. Now if I could just accept my husband for who he is, we'd really be making some progress...not that I don't love him, I do. Its just hard when you are doing work on improving yourself and others in your life are content with complacency. 
     The Justice card keeps popping up in my tarot readings the past several days. To me this means that I am to listen and take it all in, it is not for me to judge, just listen. There is much to be inferred from what goes on underneath and above someone's story, even my own.