Isn't It Weird?

     Woke up this morning and took the dog out as usual. It was 58 degrees outside and I was freezing my ass off. I guess my body has adjusted to temperatures in the high seventies and eighties. Isn't that weird? I think it is. Back in March or April 58 degrees would've felt like summertime to me, now it feels like fall.
     It just helps to solidify my theory that perception is reality. What you believe, you personify and here in a nutshell is what I believe. We are all special and unique pieces of God. We all carry a bit of the divine with us at all times that we can have access to if we so choose. We were all born perfect and our purpose here on earth is to fully experience our lives, so that they are not wasted. I believe a wasted life is a stagnant life and stagnancy kills. Just look at a stagnant body of water if you don't believe that. There is life in it, but what kind of life?  Is that a life that I would choose for myself? No way. My life is about freedom and movement.
     I choose to access my inner God today. I am going to personify the parts of God that I hold dear in my heart, the goodness and caring of others, the respect, the humbleness, the kindness, the love. I want to spread love and respect in my own personal circle of people I interact with. I want to spread love and I want to be able to receive love. I will imagine a beautiful clear bubble around me, enclosing me completely. The only emotions that can penetrate my bubble are loving, happy emotions. When negative emotions come into contact with my happy bubble, they are immediately transformed into positive emotions and they bounce back into the person who sent them, spreading happiness and love. I got this idea from Sylvia Browne and I use it all the time, thank you Sylvia! Perception really is reality, if you allow it to be. Today let your reality be filled with love, light, laughter, and happiness, no matter what else may be going on in your life. That is my plan, for today and all days.

A Man and His Story

     Right before the storm broke, he was busy slamming shut the windows, scurrying east to west, smelling the rain on the uplifted breeze as it wafted its nimble fingers through the screens. He remembered her face and paused. He knew she was gone, but in the simple remembering of her rules, she was alive again and it killed him. He felt the stab of love and he wondered why we experience such joy, if it only led to this kind of simple pain. He continued shutting the windows anyway, respect for the dead more than anything else. She would've known the storm was coming and never would have had to hurry. The windows would be closed, the tea would be poured, and she would be serving it to him before he ever knew it had clouded over. That was the basic difference between him and her.
     Most of his life he had been this way, simply struggling to comprehend the mundane. Believing that he has just awoken and taking a moment to turn and ponder last night's dream before turning over and going back to sleep. It was all he ever wanted to do anymore, literally now instead of just figuratively. His bed was now his cocoon, their bed was what it used to be, but now it was his own cocoon, but he had a feeling he would not emerge anew.  At this stage of his life, there were no more surprises, just the slow decline and incline of gradually getting older, gradually creaking apart. He used to try and stave it off with exercise, but since she is gone, he doesn't want to bother. She was his social lubricant, his inside joker and without her everything seems pointless. This is the end, but why is it taking so long?
     The thought, unbidden, kept rising. He pushed hard, harder to keep her away, but he knew it was useless. She always won their arguments or "discussions" as she liked to call them, how could he allow her to lose? She was always first and the end was no different, although he wished it could have been. He never wanted their story to have a sad ending, but sometimes you cannot control your story. The story has its own will. She would not allow him to join her today and he would never dream of disobeying her, so he bides his time. Time is all he has anymore, so he acquiesces, but he tucks the thought in his back pocket for another day. It will rest there, uncomfortably, until it is needed. She wins again.
    

The World Can Wait

     The world is huge and has a population of over seven billion people, growing every second. There is a website where you can watch the number of births and deaths in the world in real time.  Seeing that type of movement in numbers is mind-boggling and scary to me.  I would've been perfectly content with a rough estimate of the population of the world, I don't need a ticker reminding me that we're all gonna die and that somewhere people are having kids that won't be fed or taken care of properly. How fucking depressing.

Damn it, I was just whistling a happy tune, too. I should know better than to Google stuff when I'm tired, I get too emotional about it. Now I'm worried about babies in China and India, crap. Its not like I can do anything about this issue at this instant. I mean, I'm on birth control for crying out loud! I'm taking care of my personal population boom of two children as best as I can. I can't keep placing the world's problems on my own capable, but overloaded shoulders. I need to concentrate on making my own corner of the world beautiful and peaceful, which can always be improved upon. I'm gonna go kiss my sleeping children and read a book now instead of farting around on the internet, depressing myself. I don't always have to be productive, as long as I'm not self-destructive.

Freaking Fridays

I am thankful, most days, that I am able to be at home with my two beautiful daughters. Unfortunately, today is not one of those days. I want to skip out, take a pass for the day, but I can't, at least I can't until my husband gets home from work. Yes, he has been working hard all day, but it is Friday and I find Fridays the most difficult, especially since school is out. I'm ready for the two or three hours I get alone each week when my husband takes the kids out to do errands with him. I have been here, directing and supervising all week...meals, play-times, chores, pet care, you name it. Normally, I enjoy it, revel in it, even. Today I want to just check out and be this lady...

Doesn't she look happy and oblivious? I want that. What drug does that? Could I have a prescription for that, please?

Its nap time here and really, now that I've reflected on this and blogged a little, I feel infinitely better, so I guess I won't be needing that prescription after all. My kids are wonderful little miracles, now that they are asleep. Perspective, sometimes it takes a bit to catch up with your reality. And really, I'm happy, see? I talked myself into it, I guess I'm more like the woman pictured above than I realized. Wow, my life is fucking perfect, no complaints here. I can't wait until my drunk husband comes home, that will really be the icing on the cake. Hooray!

Itching for Maine

I miss Maine and I miss our family up there.

The girls and I are usually there by now, but last summer we missed Daddy too much, so I decided we would wait until the end of July to go up this year. Here is the view from the screen porch at my in-laws place, planning to get there sometime in August. The way the kids have been bickering I am really itching to be there right now, but just knowing the lake is there makes me feel better. I love thinking of what is going on there the moment I am thinking of it, is there a boat of fisherman headed out to the big lake? Is there a Canada goose flying overhead or a raven croaking in the pines? I can picture it in my mind and it calms me just thinking of it. I'm keeping these images in my mind today, like a cool washcloth on the soul.

belief

Lovely tenderness, bite beneath

Pretty pictures, tinged and bitter

Never seeing, only seen

Nothing real, its in between.

Between you and me-

I'd rather not be

Loved in a way

like this

If that's okay.

Bitten by love, love's little bug.

Poisonous, deadly, addictive drug.

Before you knew 

What happened to you, it was far too,

Too, too, too late.

Ambivalence blooms, not sure if I care

but I must since these thoughts are there.

Let go and let God, Buddha, or Jerry

Become the belief You used to find scary.

How scary is that?

Its not scary at all.

Its good to know its all right to fall, 

but don't do it on purpose, 

Be purposeful,

Add, divide, multiply, subtract as well.

Cut off the fat, but leave a thin line

to keep the residue from staying behind.

If you only knew, the things I do for you

You would take better care of me and you too.