disappointment

I hate days like this, when burned toast makes me cry. Its not even the toast itself, it was the "idea" of the toast. 

It was gonna be so good and now its ruined. Forever.

Maybe if I took the forever out, it wouldn't matter as much, but it just doesn't seem to be worth it without the forever. It doesn't matter without it.

Still a winner

It looks like I didn't win the Powerball drawing last night, but I still feel like a winner today.

It's the exercise. It works wonders on my mood and I've forced myself to do it the past two days, first thing after getting my daughter off to school. Now the challenge...I have to keep doing it, at least 5-6 days per week.  I've never been great at discipline, but I've learned that even old dogs can learn new tricks and I'm learning how to take better care of myself.

If I go by how I feel today, there is no way I can NOT do it, because I feel fucking amazing! There should be classes on self-care. That is something that we should all know and do, but we are somewhat judged  as selfish if we actually do it. I am going to make sure my daughters know that self care is the first step of taking good care of others. Treat yourself as if you were your own child. Do for you what you do for others, because you are just as important and worthy as they are. Don't neglect yourself, don't feel selfish for wanting to be healthy and keep healthy habits. 

I wish I'd learned this years ago, but all I have is now, and hopefully tomorrow. I can't waste my time being sorry about yesterday, but I can make sure that my own history doesn't repeat itself. So if you're reading this please, take the time to take good care of yourself. You are totes mcgoats worth it!

The Routine

I'm running on my hamster wheel and
it doesn't matter how I feel.
There's things to do and things to get.
I don't have time to think just yet
Gotta get the kids to school on time.
I tell everyone that I'm just fine,
But if you really stop to look
I guess I gave more than I took.

Its the little things in life sometimes
That can stop you right there on a dime
Like that little hand that fits so well in mine
And just like that, I really am fine.

Remembering blessings you've got today
Will help to shoo those troubles away.
Even if I can't get off the wheel just yet,
There's more to life than what you can get
Or what you own or the telephone.
Look around and you will see
The best things in life are still free.
Don't discount humanity,
Because we all just want to belong
And you being right doesn't make me wrong.

If we opened our eyes then we would see,
The best things in life are still quite free.

Alarm Bells

¹alarm

 noun \ə-ˈlärm\

: a device that makes a loud sound as a warning or signal

: a feeling of fear caused by a sudden sense of danger

: a warning of danger

What is the point of having an alarm if no one responds to it? I'm just wondering. I am responding to my own sense of alarm, but I am not sure what to do about it, so I suppose I'll just wait it out and do nothing instead. I'll wait for whatever the alarm was supposed to warn me about to happen and then clean up the mess after the fact. Kind of makes the alarm itself irrelevant, doesn't it? I mean if I'm reacting the same way now as I would when the alarm goes off, then what is the alarm really for? To scare others away or to "alarm" me to the fact that someone is trying to get in? 

I think when an alarm goes off, someone should respond, whether it be the police, fire fighters, EMTs, I mean, whoever the alarm is relevant to in that particular situation. If the alarm goes off and no one responds then that was not an alarm, it was an anti-alarm. I am anti-responding. I guess my point is, let's stop making alarms over nothing. OR let's make a promise to respond if something is important, but we really need to decide what is important first. Either way a discussion is in order and I personally would rather not open that particular can of worms. Maybe that is why no one is responding, we don't want to talk about it and therefore nothing will get done about it. No, wait, that's just my life. Never mind.

    Until I decide to make big changes, those alarms will just keep on going off and I can't say a word about it. Because if I'm not a part of the solution, then I suppose I must be a part of the problem. Although using logic in complicated relationships is a little boxy and gives me a squeamish feeling. I rarely fit in any one box and I doubt you do either. My feet or my heart always end up sticking out the side. I don't fold neatly into a square, or a triangle, or a fucking circle either. I am many shapes all at once and until you get that, talking about it is useless. I can't be your excuse camouflaged as a reason. I won't let you hold me there, because I learned a long time ago (last year) that I really am important, even if only to me. I finally started living for what I want, instead of what I think I'm supposed to want for everyone else. This freedom tastes too sweet to relinquish, even if you do sugarcoat my prison cell. You know how much I love sweets! But no. I finally care about myself and all your tantrums and bad behavior won't stop that. This train is a rolling down the line and you can hop on board or get the fuck outta the way. Love me or leave me alone. And maybe the next time I hear those alarm bells ring I won't just sit there stupidly and ask, "what are those alarms for?"

I will act upon them, the way alarms were meant to be used. So get ready.

Foreverly Rest In Peace Phil

I just heard the news that Phil Everly died yesterday from complications of C.O.P.D. I know Phil is free now, but I am sad for his family, who I'm sure will miss him so much and I'm also sad for the rest of the world. We have lost an inspired, talented man. Heaven has gained an angel. Phil finally has wings to match his beautiful, harmonizing voice so well. They look good on you brother.

One lesson I think we all can take from Phil's death is that smoking kills and sometimes it kills slowly, as with C.O.P.D. If you smoke cigarettes, please quit, or at least start thinking about making a plan to quit. I know its not easy, its an addiction, but quitting is possible. People do it. I did it after smoking for 19 years. It wasn't easy, but I pushed through, found support and now I feel better in my mind, body, and soul, but really this isn't about me. Make the choice to make your life better. Becomeanex.org

Phil Everly's music has made my life better, brought me joy and other tougher emotions through his music and I truly appreciate his contribution to my life and the world as a whole. Thank you Phil, for making my life better with your wonderful harmonies. Thank you for inspiring me. I hope to get an opportunity to see you on the other side, maybe lay down some harmony. Rest in peace Foreverly more Phil.