G & T

Every relationship is full of give and take, sometimes "fairly" (quotes used because as I became an "adult" I realized that fair is something that children strive for, it doesn't exist for me in my real adult life)sometimes not, but either way there is giving and there is taking going on constantly. I would rather give than take, in most instances, but there are times when I feel like I have given my all, everything I have, and then someone wants more. Surprisingly enough, even those times when I am sure I'm completely empty, I find something more to give. I find that the more I give, the more I have to give and I believe the reverse is also true, the more I take, the more I want to take. Today I feel grateful for those who have given to me. I feel grateful that I have a chance to give to others myself. I am not talking about money, riches, or things. I am talking about giving of myself, giving wisdom, comfort, support, and love. I pray to my Higher Power that I may always have those things in abundance to give and share with others and I also pray that I may be humble enough to take those things from others when they feel the grace to offer them to me. Let me be gracious with my giving and let me also be gracious with my taking and let me find a balance between the two, as a fountain flows underground and back again to the apex, let my giving and taking replenish me and other people around me. Let our giving and taking cool our souls with healing waters and help us to feel connected to the greater good within and without all of us. When I connect with that Source, I know that everything is going to be okay and I want everyone else to know that, too. We are going to be okay. So today I will give my all to those who need me and I will trust that when I need it, there will be someone to give me the same, because I deserve it and so do you.

why?

The wind whispers because...

and it must be answer enough.

My America

Overwhelmed and never paid
I guess its not my day today.
The dog is dying, the kids are sick
And that's not even the worst of it.
Where'd my motivation go?
I wanna run, but my heart says no.
This isn't how its supposed to be
in the land of the brave and the home of the free.

Where is my American dream?
I fell through the cracks of the dream machine.
It spit me out after cranking me through
the cogs that were oiled with the blood of our youth.
bruised, battered, hurt, broke down and bloodied
I never even saw it coming.
I went from zero to sixty in a cat's eye blink
Now I'm tethered here to the kitchen sink.
I am living the life my grandmother escaped
I thought she was wrong, but I made a mistake.
Now its too late, the path has been chosen
And all of my assets are conveniently frozen.
Too poor to change, but not poor of spirit.
I know God is talking, if I could just hear it.
Was that a whisper, or did I hear a scream?

someone please save me from this american dream

part of it

I've been traveling on this journey, on my path, if you will, for what seems like an eternity at times and other times it seems like an eye's blink. Today it is a little of both. My mother informed me today that a very close friend of her's whom I have known my whole life has lung cancer. Even though I am trying to hold it in, I am really shattered. I just feel so sad for her and for her wonderful family. They are good people and they don't deserve to have to deal with this right now, or ever, frankly. Its not even my family, but I wish God could take it back. And of course she is a former smoker, so along with the shittiness of being sick, there is the guilt factor, that this was preventable and she did it to herself by smoking. Well, I think it just sucks all around and I'm angry and upset, but I'm not going to choose to smoke cigarettes over it. Fuck that.
I am going to sit down and say a prayer for healing and health for her and another prayer for strength for her family, her children, husband, parents, siblings, and friends. She is one of those women who LIVES her life. She is a light to so many people who know her. The thought of her wasting away in a hospital bed is unthinkable to me. So I'm not going to think about that right now. For now I am just going to concentrate on the fact that she is in a doctor's care and that she is going to get a second opinion, and then move forward from that. I want to wish her back to health, but all I can do if offer my prayers and support and let God take care of the rest. 
And I can count my own blessings. Even if I were diagnosed with cancer today, at least I would have the peace of knowing that I didn't have to go through nicotine withdrawal again. I hate you tobacco and I wish you would die, instead of killing all these people who made the mistake of getting addicted to you. We knew, but we didn't REALLY know. NOW we know, and it may be too late, but at least we know, right? I dunno. I know I'm not going back and I am doing everything in my power to keep myself on the straight and narrow. But it would only take one puff to put me right back there, that is what scares me. I don't want my family to see me get sick and watch me die. I want to go out in a plane crash, or by falling off a sprinting horse, or asleep peacefully in my bed when I'm 110. I want to die an heroic death, free of disease, free of nicotine. God I hope so, but there are no guarantees. I might have already smoked the cancer triggering cigarette, but that isn't going to stop me from relishing my freedom now. All I have is today and it is always my choice how I feel. So I'm going to continue to strive for imperfection in everything, I mean really what other choice do I have?

One Step

That is all it takes for a journey to begin, 

One Step.

Here's to new beginnings, middles, and endings. And all the steps it takes to get to those points. One step is bravery personified and its really very simple. I mean, really though, it is only

One Step.

That is all it takes. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other and the world is possible.

Choices

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." That is not my quote. I didn't write that and I can't remember right now who did, but I've been repeating it to myself for the past several days. I don't know what is going on with me, but I think it may be depression. I'm just having a hard time finding sunshine in my life lately. I'm snappish and angry all the time. I cry for no reason (or any reason) whatsoever. I'm lonely as hell and sad. What is it I need to change? I've been "trying" to cultivate a good attitude, but I know I am falling short by quite a bit. I've been toying with the idea of starting smoking again and that depresses me even more. I think I know what this stems from, it is financial and geographical in nature. I'd like to be able to supplement our income somehow, but every time I want to make the leap, I get too scared and wimp out. Time and money. Money and time. Smoking is not going to help anything, but somehow in the deep recesses of my brain I must think it will. I am going to continue my journey and try to remain hopeful that good things will happen for us, if I just keep on pushing, keep on trying. Its okay for me to feel down, as long as I don't give up. I don't want to hate myself for smoking. I really don't want to have to start all over again. I want to go through the other side of this and the only way to do that is to remain committed. I CAN do this. I AM doing it now. Just keep going Cory. Its my choice and I choose to be free.

Don't Think Twice, Its All Right

Here are some new verses for this song that I wrote yesterday. I really like the first one. Dedicated to Bob and George...I hope its not plagiarism, I don't think so...but anyway...


I'm walking kinda funny down the road babe,
Where I'm bound, I don't care.
If you don't know where you're going
Any road will take you there.

If you ever wondered if you were free,
Just check your back pocket for any money.
That's what freedom costs, "we the people", you and me,
But don't think twice, its all right. 

I need to get out to the country,
Start living off the land.
Looks like everyone was busy working,
while I was making plans.

You gotta spend it to make it,
So I'd like to get me some,
But I'm turning round and staring down the barrel of a gun,
And I don't really like what this country has become,
but don't think twice its all right.

Ba dum bum

My awful, wonderful husband left me alone with the kids last night to see if he could get a ticket to see one of our favorite bands of all time, Pearl Jam, downtown. He managed to get a ticket after the show started for 20 bucks. I can't wait to get a chance later to talk to him about it...from the few minutes we had together this morning he said it was incredible. He also brought home their new album, Lightning Bolt, so I am excited to blare that later, once it is a more decent hour for music blaring around here. I'm jealous of him for getting to go, but I can never hold onto those feelings for too long.
Last weekend we happened to catch the documentary Pearl Jam Twenty. Great fucking movie. Its really quite strange, though. Peter and I got together around the same time Pearl Jam did and minus a brief hiatus, have been together ever since. You could definitely say that Pearl Jam has been a part of the soundtrack of our relationship. Sometimes when I hear a song like yellow ledbetter I am transported back to a different time in my life. Once pregnant with possibilities, now curled and sleeping, but the possibility of more action is imminent. I feel my life pulsing in their music.
Man are they a brilliant band. I feel like I know them, but I always feel that way about those who musically inspire me. I just hope the new album measures up to their talents. Looking forward to it.

Tuesday Blues

Well I woke up this morning, got a pain in my head.
Yes I woke up this morning, I got pain deep in my head.
If it wasn't already Tuesday, I'd wish I was already dead.

Oh ya

Well my baby's gone to work and the babies gotta go to school.
Oh yes my baby's gone to work and the babies got to get up and go to school.
I've got to find my motivation, this is no time to be acting a fool.

I got them Tuesday blues babe, forget that long weekend...
You know I got them Tuesday blues my honey, forget that long weekend.
Before I thought about it too much, I looked and its Friday again.

Oh ya

I love you Tab Benoit. Take me back to the swamp and make me your lil cajun sex slave. I'll play rhythm.♥

Today

I'm feeling so much better today. I woke up this morning with the thought in my head, "today is going to be a great day," so therefore it is! I am my own self-fulfilling prophecy.

TODAY IS  A GREAT DAY!

A friend on becomeanex.org shared this pic with everyone and I had to save it because it resonated with me so much. I feel like in the past six months I have accelerated my own personal evolution. I am becoming who I always wanted to be, bit by little bit. Even though I know there will be days (like yesterday) that kick my ass, they won't make me slave or knock me off my path. I am proving this every time I go through another tough time on my own, without nicotine, I might add!! 

I'm going to keep moving forward because there is more for me to discover and enjoy. There is no destination, except bliss and that can be found anywhere, so lucky me.

a bad day

I'm embarrassed to feel this way. I'm supposed to be over it and I'm supposedly strong. Don't I usually have all the answers? Not today I don't.

I know this is how relapses start, the slow decline, the rationalizations, but I can't bring myself to blog on EX right now. I know the support is there, but I am ashamed to be feeling this way at this point in my quit. I want to be one of the positive, happy quitters all the time. I don't want to feel like this and put it out there, I just don't. I cried in public today, talk about embarrassing. I don't know if anyone saw me or not, but I had to stop walking and compose myself, tears and snot running down my face. Thank goodness I happened to have a mess of tissues in my pocket. I just keep telling myself all that self talk I've learned, smoking won't make it go away...but I still feel really bad. 

We came home from our walk, I got Rosie situated with a tv show, then I went in my room and sobbed. Gemi came up and licked the snot and tears from my face. I invited him up on the bed with me and spooned him for a while. I started crying harder because he is so old and I know his time is coming. My source of unconditional love is dying, at least on this plane. Oh great, I'm crying again. I've got to stop this right now. Thinking about everything, makes me feel like I can't do this...live this life.

I just want to feel good again. Smoking will make me feel like shit, I know that. I know that craves last 3 minutes and then they're gone. I know that smoking never made anyone's stress go away. I know that they travel in packs and that I can never have just one. I know that the only way out is through. I know that I need to get through at least 4 seasons of triggers. I know how to say NOPE and NEF. I know this stuff, so WHY? WHY when life hits me with stress am I STILL THINKING ABOUT SMOKING? WHY? What do I think I'm going to get out of it? All I would get is a greater urge to smoke more. See? I do know, now I just gotta convince myself of the truth of that statement. Deep down I know the truth, but that addict inside me is still in there, chattering away, making me doubt reality.

I guess I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I want my life to get easier. I want to feel capable again. I want to disappear into the woods! I want to have a patch of ground that I can grow my own food on, a place to "start" my life. I want money. I want to not have to make difficult choices. I want some peace from these thoughts.

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

For humans of any age, life is fraught with troubles, problems, and stress. Luckily for us, it is also peppered with beauty, wonder, and love. There are always two sides to every story, sometimes more than two. There are many ways to look at a problem and different sets of eyes will see things in alternate ways. There is always a chance for a situation to improve. There are always ways in which you can approach even the toughest issue with love and compassion, for yourself as well as for others. These are things I am learning as I age, that I wish I knew when I was younger. I hope to be able to pass them on to my daughters, to help them learn this while they are younger, to save them some depression or heartbreak. I know I can't protect them from everything (and I shouldn't), but if I can give them a little boost up into partial enlightenment, wouldn't that be a nice gift? I think so. I'm going to share this stuff with them and hope that they will be able to hear it and apply it to their own lives as they grow. I certainly had a hard time hearing my own mother as a kid, so I'm not sure they will benefit from it, but I'm still going to try. Maybe, (like me) they will realize when they are in their twenties that yes, Mom was right about everything.

Here is something...

Free yourself. Let your ordinary reality be illuminated with wonder and magic. 
I think if we all allowed a little wonder and magic into our lives we would be bowled over with joy. It is inside all of us. Its already there, we just have to free it to enjoy it. Today I'm setting my spirit free to roam, wonder, imagine, conjure, and soar. No agenda, no plan, no destination. I'm just going to be me and enjoy it, because I can and because being joyful just feels so much better than being grouchy. I choose joy and not because of a lack of problems in my life. I choose joy because of the problems in my life. Its my choice and I would rather be happy, so be it. 

But it's my job...

My youngest daughter and I just returned from our daily dog walk. It is a beautiful day here and we get out for a walk any day that it isn't raining too hard. It is a great time for me to think, to talk to Rosie about what she thinks, connect with our dog, and just commune with the nature that we find in little nooks and crannies of the city. On Mondays, the city workers come with mowers and mow our park. Today a city worker said hi to me and thanked me for picking up my dog's poop. I was floored and I said, no problem, its my job! It really made me feel good though! I always carry poop bags with me because my elderly dog has no compunctions about dropping a deuce right on the sidewalk and I would be so angry if I stepped in someone else's dog's mess, so I just always pick it up. It is the right thing to do, however, a lot of people don't do it. They just let their dog poop willy-nilly on whatever they choose and walk away. Maybe I was one of those people once, before I had kids and realized one of the kid laws is, if there is dog poop anywhere in a mile radius of my kid, she WILL step in it, track it through our house, and cause me much stress and mess. That is just my experience, maybe your kid isn't like that, but mine is, I've accepted it. S'ok. That is part of the reason why I am somewhat vigilant about dog poop pick up and removal. Another reason? It smells. Have you ever walked by an area that has been used for dog elimination on a hot sunny day? The fumes of sun baked dog urine and feces are so not pleasant and I hate the idea of my dog contributing to city stench. BUT I never get THANKED for doing what I know needs to be done! That was so surprising and wonderful, so to the city worker, thanks for noticing and thank you for making my day! The next time I see someone doing the right thing, I am going to make it a point to say thank you, because I love this feeling and I want to spread it.

This Land is Your Land

I wrote a new verse for This Land is Your Land the other day. I really liked it and I wanted to put it in my blog to remember it.

This land is your land
This land is my land 
From California, to the New York island
From the redwood forests, to the gulf stream waters,
This land was made for you and me.


We gotta protect it and we gotta respect it.
Because we don't own it and we don't wanna blow it.
I want my children and my children's children
to be here on this land, free like me.


I have been singing this song since I was a child and I still love it. Thank you so much Woody Guthrie.♥

For the boy I told not to text and drive today...

Everybody's rushing, running around.
No one's looking up, they're all looking down.
Unless you're on facebook, they've no time to see,
The realness of you, the human in me.

Keep pushing, keep going beyond the line,
Nothing is right, but they tell you its fine.
Soon you will wonder where everyone went,
Once all of your time and money's been spent.

Put down your phone, look me in the face.
Is this what real human contact's replaced?
Time to wise up and try to understand,
What everyone's doing with a phone in their hand.

I know it isn't easy to relate.
Not everything in life is first rate.
We've all got too much on our plate,
But let's get one thing straight...

You gotta put down your cell and talk to someone.
Don't make it awkward, it can be done.
I know it can sometimes be a strain,
But sunshine usually follows after the rain.

People are ready for you to reach out.
It may not be easy, you may have your doubts,
Just make the right choice to speak out in the end.
That person just might end up being your friend.

Put down your phone and talk to a real person, in person!

In Case You Were Wondering

You are important.

In case you were curious, you mean something to someone.

Just in case you forgot, people love you.

There is someone who needs you.  
There is someone who wants you.

Even if you don't see them or realize it right now,

YOU MATTER.

A lot.

Just a reminder...try to remember that please, as you go about your day and make your choices.
You matter to someone and they care very much.

Here Comes Sunshine

Line up a long shot

Maybe try two times

Maybe more

Good to know

you got shoes to wear

when you find the floor

Why hold out for more?

Here comes sunshine
...here comes sunshine!

Asking you nice now

keep the mother rolling

one more time

Been down before
but you just don't have to
go no more
no more

Here comes sunshine
...here comes sunshine!

~Robert Hunter

Just a little excerpt from Robert Hunter's lyrics to inspire me today. I been down before, but I just don't have to go no more. No more. I just don't have to go. I know that sunshine is coming, I can hang on until then.

Depression Cure

I've been consciously improving myself every day. I started by quitting smoking back in March. I have been exercising 6 days a week. I walk with the dog and my neighbor every day once my hubby gets home from work. I have been working on controlling my emotions, especially my anger, around my family. Its not been easy, but I really do feel better "trying" to do these things.
Consciously working toward a goal feels really good and I wish I had realized this earlier in my life. Maybe right now I wouldn't be wishing I had done more, followed more of my dreams, but I can't live my life according to the past alone, so I try to let those thought float away and hold onto the the productive thoughts.

Here is something I have figured out. Smoking cigarettes depressed me, it didn't bring me up out of my depression at all. It was part of the cycle that brought me down. I also believe with all my heart that regular exercise, as in really sweat inducing workouts, are a depression cure for me. Just for the record, I hate working out. I hate being sweaty and hot. I hate the burning muscles. I hate the whole deal, BUT I love the way I feel afterward! The way I feel the whole rest of the day after a workout makes the initial discomfort and sweaty-ness completely worth it. You gotta get comfortable, with being uncomfortable. No pain, no gain. Those things are true. I am so happy that I have finally figured that out. It is empowering to be able to do something (that is free!) to make myself feel better. Anyone who has a working body can work out, even without expensive equipment or a fitness studio. So here is my unwanted advice for the day, go move around! Do some jumping jacks, bounce on an exercise ball, take your poor dog for a walk, do arm circles. Just get up and move, no matter whether its a big or small movement. Movement of any kind is beneficial and I am so thankful to know this! 

No matter what else is going on, I am thankful to be alive and to have a sound body. Thank God for my blessings, when I really look at the big picture, I have a lot to be thankful for.

just saying bob dylan

Just because I'm not smiling, doesn't mean something's wrong, but now that you mention it...

I felt upset being left behind, but I'm over it.

Just because I know the words, doesn't mean I have to sing along, but now that I think about it...

I might as well belt it out loud and strong, I'll feel better for it.

I am the person you wish you knew, but you'll never know that.

The one you snubbed was the one with the answers, but there's no telling.

No telling at all.

You made up your history, here's the short version of mine. 
When somebody asks, you say that you're fine. 
Doing what matters, what matters most? 
Stay in the lines and down the hills you can coast. 
But when they ask me who influenced you, I still always say you.
I'm not saying its your fault, all of its mine.
Just saying you were there with me, all down the line.
You didn't know it, but I fucking did.
I started listening to you when I was a kid.
You put pieces together, of words, rhymes, and tune.
Took me for a ride in your hand-made balloon.
We passed over patchwork, suffering, love.
On a wing and a prayer, we flew like a dove.
I believed it all, but I knew your worldview, 
Was now a fantasy, fame had skewed.
If you sold your soul to the devil, I understand.
You had to, to execute your plan.

We all know the devil ain't real.
I don't believe in anything I can't feel.
I feel you, therefore I believe.
I believe in whatever you've got up your sleeve.
Time is a wave and I rode it with you.
I wasn't yet born, but I was there, too.

Just Be

We are human beings, not human doings.

There is nothing wrong with letting it be.

Be yourself.

Be in the moment.

Believe.

Beyond.

Become.

Begin.

Beautiful.

Be.

When I get where I'm going...

I don't have the answers, but I'm going to trust that Someone does. I think that is called faith. I need some more of it. I need to learn to let go and trust that things really will work out. Do what I can and let Someone do the rest.

I'm not sure where I'm going, but I want to walk in the light, not in darkness. If I have to go through darkness, that's okay, as long as I can see a "pin prick" of light to walk toward. Lately I know its been cloudy and dark, but I think I see the light now.

I never claimed to be perfect, I just wanted to clarify that. I'm not perfect, never was, never will be, just in case anyone was wondering. I do not put myself up on a pedestal, I don't want to fall off. I'm just here, with my feet on the earth, trying to make sense of this life. Trying to get through this with minimal pain infliction and maximum joy. I'll figure it out eventually.

Why is it?

Why is it that when my three year old little girl does her "mommy voice", it sounds like a combination of Madeline Kahn and Miss Piggy? Is that what Mommy sounds like? Erg.

If it ain't a song...its a poem, I guess

When I heard the news, I was nude. You were rude about it, too. Robing quickly, I ran outside to see for myself and you were right. It was all over that night. I can't see myself anymore, I've become you.

It doesn't hurt much, but it stings a little. Being you is not something I would choose to do. Why did you do this to me? Why did I let you? As George said, All Things Must Pass and he was right, but I'll never forget how I felt that night. 

Burned in my brain, forever to blame, keeping myself sane through the pouring rain. If I caused you pain, I meant to for you have hurt me too and that is how love works, at least for me and you. That makes me feel so sorry, love. I'm sorry. I want that to change. I'm so tired of hurting and hurting you.

We thought we were in love, but really we just loved hurting less together. We thought we were sharing our load, but really we were just dumping it off on each other, not looking back. Looking back now, I see our burdens. I am drowning in them and you are ahead, looking back laughing. Its not funny to me anymore. I don't get how this is funny at all. I guess the joke is on me.

How do we move forward from here? One step at a time, back to trust, back to friends, maybe back to love? I know I still love you, but I already have two children, so I can't love you the same way I did before. I can't be your Mama, too. Maybe we could meet as two wholes instead of two halves. We don't fit the same mold, but maybe, just maybe together, whole, we could forge a new mold that will fit both of us, at the same time, without losing who we are in the process. Can we both fit in there?

You'll never read this, I bet, but that's okay. I do this for me, not you, one of the few things I do for me alone. Just the way you sigh when I hand you a note answers my question. I want someone (you) to want to read me, but I don't want to force you. Read me like a book and tell me how I am, remember that? I know who I am, care to find out? Do you care enough to read me and really find out? Do you? I'm not sure I can hold on that long.

Is It Okay?

If I am good to myself, then I'm selfish.

If I neglect myself, then I'm lazy.

If I don't say anything, then I'm uncaring.

If I say something, then I'm a busybody.

If I let it go, I lose.

If I don't let it go, you lose.

Either way there is no clear winner.

Is it okay?

If no one wins, to whom do the spoils go?

Do we allow them to rot on the ground?

Do we gather them up and save them for someone?

Where did my patience, caring, and love go?

Are they rotting on the ground with the spoils?

Did they even matter in this game?

Is this even a game?

And why are we playing it again?

If it were up to me, I guess we'd stop playing,

And get down to the real business at hand.

Is it up to me? 

Really?

I can't see how my business effects yours,

But your business is effecting me deeply.

I guess that explains it, but I still don't understand.

Maybe I'm not supposed to understand, 

But I cannot play the game without directions.

Have you ever had someone try to explain a card game to you, without actually playing?

Practically impossible.

You have to play to understand the game.

Otherwise the game plays you.

I prefer to play the game,

Than to get played.

I'm not playing at this, but I am playing at that.

Play me for a fool.

Play a song for me.

Play it out and see what happens.

Splay me, slay me, say its okay.

Oh well.

If I was mean to you, I'm sorry. I know that I can be.

Figuring out this "journey" is hard on my soul

And I know that it isn't easy for you, either.

If it wasn't you, it could never be anyone else.

If I knew, I wouldn't be asking you.

Is it okay?

Just say so.

End of the Line...

     Over the weekend I became obsessed with the Traveling Wilburys (again). I found the End of the Line video on youtube and I think I've watched it about a hundred times since. What a fantastic song, with a wonderful message! I've known the song for years, but sometimes a different meaning will strike me in something that I never noticed before and this is one of those times. I mean just the line, "every day is just one day," is so simple, yet so profound that I feel my head expanding just thinking of it. I had to share the video link and one verse with my friends on my becomeanex.org blog. I just had to. This song fits so well with recovery from nicotine, recovery in general, really, that I felt compelled to share it with everyone.
     I've been working up the courage to get out and play some open mic gigs and I think this is one of the songs that I want to start playing. It just has such a wonderful message. It is something that I can get behind and sing with conviction, no matter what else might be going on. Its a song that I believe in, bottom line. And really isn't that what we're all searching for? Something to believe in? Something to shoot for?
     Well it is all right. They were right. It is. Look who I get to hang out with every day. Well its all right, as long as you've got someone to love. I'm lucky to have several "someones" to love in my life. Remember and appreciate them.

Justice, card of the day...

     The first week of school is over. Annie loves kindergarten, no drama to tell her mama this week. Not even any stories of "bad kids" yet, so I bet the teacher is pleased! Her enthusiasm for school is infectious and it makes me wish I was studying something for a class instead of all this dabbling in different subjects and practices.
     If I've been studying anything lately, it has been my tarot deck. I've had it since I was in school myself, but just recently (since I've quit smoking back in March) started learning about the cards again.  I am really enjoying it. I've been sort of following this book, "Tarot For Yourself", doing the exercises in the book, giving myself a daily 3 card reading, and boy have I found some insights there. 
     I was brought up to be somewhat afraid of tarot cards, since a lot of people in the somewhat narrow minded community where I grew up looked at them like the devil's hand tool. When in reality they were just being tools. If your intention is pure then the tarot cards are just a way to show you different insights, to look at situations in a new, unseen way so that you can better deal with the obstacles and challenges in your world.
     I guess I started looking at tarot way back when as a sort of rebellion or maybe just out of curiosity, but I always felt overwhelmed, like I had to memorize all 78 cards. Now I am reading the cards intuitively first and then if I want to I can look up the meanings in a book to check it against my first impressions. I am getting so much more out of the cards this way. I am looking at what cards frequently pop up and how their positions can alter the meanings. It amazes me how these cards can truly bring a sense of self knowledge and peacefulness. I don't think I've ever reached this level of knowing myself this well before, it feels good to know what you need and how to acquire it, even if the road from here to there is long. At least I know I'm on the right road, instead of feeling like I am wandering in the dark. 
     Maybe it seems egocentric, but getting to know myself has made me feel better inside than I have in YEARS. At this point in my life I really have let go of worrying about what other people think. Even though my grandmother and mother ingrained this in my soul, I knew from the start that it wasn't my problem what anyone else thought about me. That is their problem, not mine. I know how to make myself feel worse and now I also know how to make myself feel better. Its empowering! Now I just need to force myself to make the right choice to bring myself up rather than down, because I know how easy it is to come down, up is more difficult, but feels so much better overall.
     I want my daughters to have a strong, positive mother to look up to and emulate. I feel like at this point, they have that. Now if I could just accept my husband for who he is, we'd really be making some progress...not that I don't love him, I do. Its just hard when you are doing work on improving yourself and others in your life are content with complacency. 
     The Justice card keeps popping up in my tarot readings the past several days. To me this means that I am to listen and take it all in, it is not for me to judge, just listen. There is much to be inferred from what goes on underneath and above someone's story, even my own.

Isn't It Weird?

     Woke up this morning and took the dog out as usual. It was 58 degrees outside and I was freezing my ass off. I guess my body has adjusted to temperatures in the high seventies and eighties. Isn't that weird? I think it is. Back in March or April 58 degrees would've felt like summertime to me, now it feels like fall.
     It just helps to solidify my theory that perception is reality. What you believe, you personify and here in a nutshell is what I believe. We are all special and unique pieces of God. We all carry a bit of the divine with us at all times that we can have access to if we so choose. We were all born perfect and our purpose here on earth is to fully experience our lives, so that they are not wasted. I believe a wasted life is a stagnant life and stagnancy kills. Just look at a stagnant body of water if you don't believe that. There is life in it, but what kind of life?  Is that a life that I would choose for myself? No way. My life is about freedom and movement.
     I choose to access my inner God today. I am going to personify the parts of God that I hold dear in my heart, the goodness and caring of others, the respect, the humbleness, the kindness, the love. I want to spread love and respect in my own personal circle of people I interact with. I want to spread love and I want to be able to receive love. I will imagine a beautiful clear bubble around me, enclosing me completely. The only emotions that can penetrate my bubble are loving, happy emotions. When negative emotions come into contact with my happy bubble, they are immediately transformed into positive emotions and they bounce back into the person who sent them, spreading happiness and love. I got this idea from Sylvia Browne and I use it all the time, thank you Sylvia! Perception really is reality, if you allow it to be. Today let your reality be filled with love, light, laughter, and happiness, no matter what else may be going on in your life. That is my plan, for today and all days.

A Man and His Story

     Right before the storm broke, he was busy slamming shut the windows, scurrying east to west, smelling the rain on the uplifted breeze as it wafted its nimble fingers through the screens. He remembered her face and paused. He knew she was gone, but in the simple remembering of her rules, she was alive again and it killed him. He felt the stab of love and he wondered why we experience such joy, if it only led to this kind of simple pain. He continued shutting the windows anyway, respect for the dead more than anything else. She would've known the storm was coming and never would have had to hurry. The windows would be closed, the tea would be poured, and she would be serving it to him before he ever knew it had clouded over. That was the basic difference between him and her.
     Most of his life he had been this way, simply struggling to comprehend the mundane. Believing that he has just awoken and taking a moment to turn and ponder last night's dream before turning over and going back to sleep. It was all he ever wanted to do anymore, literally now instead of just figuratively. His bed was now his cocoon, their bed was what it used to be, but now it was his own cocoon, but he had a feeling he would not emerge anew.  At this stage of his life, there were no more surprises, just the slow decline and incline of gradually getting older, gradually creaking apart. He used to try and stave it off with exercise, but since she is gone, he doesn't want to bother. She was his social lubricant, his inside joker and without her everything seems pointless. This is the end, but why is it taking so long?
     The thought, unbidden, kept rising. He pushed hard, harder to keep her away, but he knew it was useless. She always won their arguments or "discussions" as she liked to call them, how could he allow her to lose? She was always first and the end was no different, although he wished it could have been. He never wanted their story to have a sad ending, but sometimes you cannot control your story. The story has its own will. She would not allow him to join her today and he would never dream of disobeying her, so he bides his time. Time is all he has anymore, so he acquiesces, but he tucks the thought in his back pocket for another day. It will rest there, uncomfortably, until it is needed. She wins again.
    

The World Can Wait

     The world is huge and has a population of over seven billion people, growing every second. There is a website where you can watch the number of births and deaths in the world in real time.  Seeing that type of movement in numbers is mind-boggling and scary to me.  I would've been perfectly content with a rough estimate of the population of the world, I don't need a ticker reminding me that we're all gonna die and that somewhere people are having kids that won't be fed or taken care of properly. How fucking depressing.

Damn it, I was just whistling a happy tune, too. I should know better than to Google stuff when I'm tired, I get too emotional about it. Now I'm worried about babies in China and India, crap. Its not like I can do anything about this issue at this instant. I mean, I'm on birth control for crying out loud! I'm taking care of my personal population boom of two children as best as I can. I can't keep placing the world's problems on my own capable, but overloaded shoulders. I need to concentrate on making my own corner of the world beautiful and peaceful, which can always be improved upon. I'm gonna go kiss my sleeping children and read a book now instead of farting around on the internet, depressing myself. I don't always have to be productive, as long as I'm not self-destructive.

Freaking Fridays

I am thankful, most days, that I am able to be at home with my two beautiful daughters. Unfortunately, today is not one of those days. I want to skip out, take a pass for the day, but I can't, at least I can't until my husband gets home from work. Yes, he has been working hard all day, but it is Friday and I find Fridays the most difficult, especially since school is out. I'm ready for the two or three hours I get alone each week when my husband takes the kids out to do errands with him. I have been here, directing and supervising all week...meals, play-times, chores, pet care, you name it. Normally, I enjoy it, revel in it, even. Today I want to just check out and be this lady...

Doesn't she look happy and oblivious? I want that. What drug does that? Could I have a prescription for that, please?

Its nap time here and really, now that I've reflected on this and blogged a little, I feel infinitely better, so I guess I won't be needing that prescription after all. My kids are wonderful little miracles, now that they are asleep. Perspective, sometimes it takes a bit to catch up with your reality. And really, I'm happy, see? I talked myself into it, I guess I'm more like the woman pictured above than I realized. Wow, my life is fucking perfect, no complaints here. I can't wait until my drunk husband comes home, that will really be the icing on the cake. Hooray!

Itching for Maine

I miss Maine and I miss our family up there.

The girls and I are usually there by now, but last summer we missed Daddy too much, so I decided we would wait until the end of July to go up this year. Here is the view from the screen porch at my in-laws place, planning to get there sometime in August. The way the kids have been bickering I am really itching to be there right now, but just knowing the lake is there makes me feel better. I love thinking of what is going on there the moment I am thinking of it, is there a boat of fisherman headed out to the big lake? Is there a Canada goose flying overhead or a raven croaking in the pines? I can picture it in my mind and it calms me just thinking of it. I'm keeping these images in my mind today, like a cool washcloth on the soul.

belief

Lovely tenderness, bite beneath

Pretty pictures, tinged and bitter

Never seeing, only seen

Nothing real, its in between.

Between you and me-

I'd rather not be

Loved in a way

like this

If that's okay.

Bitten by love, love's little bug.

Poisonous, deadly, addictive drug.

Before you knew 

What happened to you, it was far too,

Too, too, too late.

Ambivalence blooms, not sure if I care

but I must since these thoughts are there.

Let go and let God, Buddha, or Jerry

Become the belief You used to find scary.

How scary is that?

Its not scary at all.

Its good to know its all right to fall, 

but don't do it on purpose, 

Be purposeful,

Add, divide, multiply, subtract as well.

Cut off the fat, but leave a thin line

to keep the residue from staying behind.

If you only knew, the things I do for you

You would take better care of me and you too.

Bill Hicks Forever

Live for the Moment Amen

     Do you know one of my favorite things about life? The chance to start over every single moment of every single day. It does not matter what I said, did, or even who I was yesterday or five minutes ago. I am who I am now, in this moment. I will not be negative. I will grab this opportunity and take it to the next logical step. I only have this moment, now, to continue my life in the direction I choose. Dogs taught me this. 
     It is easier for me to state this philosophy than to live it.  I can model my dog's live in the moment lifestyle for so long, but I am human, after all. I have my foibles.  I can't seem to forget a hurtful comment or an impatient brush aside the way my dog seems to, by shaking it off and licking my privates. The sting of rejection lingers, similar to a hangnail's peel. It will  sting me at the oddest of times, when I thought it had healed a few days back.  A whisper, a wink and it resurfaces, roaring pain in an instant and I am there again, small and insignificant, never on the inside and always wishing I could be for once. A giggling idiot, never knowing how to get the arguments out of my head and into another person's without looking silly. I was an easy target then with my head hanging down, even if I did have a smile on my face when I looked up. They didn't know and sometimes I still don't. I'm as surprised as anyone, really, when these feelings come out and then again I must have known, on some level. Damn gemini, doomed to uncertainty, both sides now, damn I hate coming to grips with that, but it does all come back to living in the moment, this moment and acceptance of myself in this moment and all others.
     We take the pieces of things we've experienced and who we were since birth and weave our nets, cast our patchy nets out into the waters, and see what we catch. I've caught things of all types, but lately I'm trying not to lump them into "good" things or "bad" things, but instead I'm trying to see each thing for what it actually is, because there is bad and good in everything. Acceptance is key. Live like a dog, smell it and move on. If it smells good, by all means linger, but don't make it your new religion. If it smells bad, pass by quickly, but remember the smell so you can avoid it faster the next time. Let us pray.
     Please God, help me to be more like a dog, investigating life for life's sake, instead of following blindly. Help me to take each day as it comes with dignity and grace, protect me from those who wish to see me falter, and help me to keep love in my heart for all people, including myself. Help me to see opportunities instead of stumbling blocks in my life and the lives of others. Keep me grounded in the infinite love of the universe at all times until I can come back to your loving arms once I am done here on earth. I pray for small moments of peace for every single person in the whole world, until we can all go home and have infinite peace together, forever. Amen.
     

My Rant

     I hate facebook - there I said it - and I hate people who love facebook.  If I call you up on the phone and you start telling me about your facebook page, or what so and so did on facebook, you are immediately "off my friend's list" in real fucking life.  Stop it.  If all you can discuss with other people is facebook, then go shut off your computer, open your door, and walk outside.  Say "hi world" and please don't tweet where you are and what you are doing either, because we do not care and we do not need to know.
     It's a world now where half-wits think that everyone cares about what they think. They're starting facebook pages, blogging, vlogging (blech, like I want to see a pasty fucker talking about life from his shitty studio apartment), and tweeting, any way to get their message out to the rest of humanity.  The only problem is that their message is, "I am a selfish retard."  I am truly sorry retards for using your word to describe these morons, but as Michael Scott on The Office said once, "You don't call retarded people retards, you call your friends retards when they're acting retarded." So "friends", just cut it out. Stupidity boils my blood and clearly that is not good for my health and well-being. I know it isn't just about me, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way. 
     I just want people to grow the fuck up and stop sharing all your dumb, personal shit online. I don't need to know "where you at", my day is going to go along just fine without that little nugget of information, thanks. I don't need your opinion on anything, okay? I've got plenty of those already. When I desperately need your opinion on American Idol or whatever stupid, useless shit you are contemplating, I'll let you know and I guarantee you that'll be never so shut your fucking mouth.
     I really don't care if you think I'm a "hater".  I guess I might be one, that is my fucking right as an American, okay? I'm certainly not your lover, so I guess the polar opposite of that is hater, go ahead and call me one.  I hate everything about you so yeah, I'm a hater, drinking blue hater-ade, planning a vacation to Haiti.  What you need to realize is that YOU don't matter.  Eons from now, or years, who knows, when another, better civilization finds remnants of us, they'll be left wondering what happened to humans on earth? Was is a blast of some sort, climate change, or was it in fact the haters that did them in? Hmmmm.  I theorize it was the haters, big problem in twenty-first century America - haters everywhere.
     Please stop spewing your personal diarrhea of the mouth and mind all over the internet. Find your own inner peace and stop regurgitating what other people think, think for yourself.  Don't say, "I hate haters", even if you do, like me. That makes you a hater. I say, love all the haters.  Love all the hate right outta them, squeeze em so hard that the hate comes shooting right out of their asses. Love overcomes all and that is my message, a message of love. Love all the haters, including yourself.

The Time-IN-One of my favorite concepts...

     As a dog trainer and a mother, I believe in positive reinforcement. For anyone who might not know what that is, I will break it down. You see a behavior you like and you praise it, whether it is behavior from a dog or a person.  Now this is not a technical definition, but MY definition of positive reinforcement. Everyone enjoys being told they are doing a good job, especially when it comes from someone you admire and trust. I use positive reinforcement in so many different ways every day and it works!  I even use it on myself sometimes! 
     I think the key with all praise, no matter who you are using it on, is your TIMING! You must praise when the behavior you want repeated is happening or RIGHT AFTER it has happened, within a few seconds for a dog, for people you have a slightly bigger window of opportunity for praise because we are able to make bigger connections to the consequences of our actions than dogs can. I try to make sure that my kids and my dog get several "time-ins" throughout the course of the day.
     What is a "time-in"? Well, it is when I notice that someone is doing something I like, maybe playing quietly, reading a book, chewing on a bone or appropriate toy, obviously I am mixing in dog and kid behaviors together here, but hopefully you get the point! When I see those types of wanted behaviors I make darn sure I go over and praise it! Praising behaviors makes them habits and good habits are a good thing!  If my kids are playing quietly I go over, give a hug and tell them how proud I am for playing nicely, maybe I will ask if I can join in for a few minutes.  If my dog is quietly chewing his toy I will go over and give some gentle pats and some quiet voice praise, "gooooood boy".  The whole point of this is to catch people and dogs doing good things.  I want to catch them doing good things and praise them MUCH more often than I have to reprimand. Praising = repeat behaviors, so it just makes so much sense to sit up and take notice of the good things, instead of always having to stop them from doing things you don't want them to do.  
     Focusing on the positive will make such a huge difference in so many aspects of your life and this is one small way to do that. I've found that if I can catch them being good often, they are much less likely to be naughty later! We all need a little guidance in life and it is our job as parents and dog moms and dads to teach them what they need to know. I like showing them what I want them to do, not telling them when they are doing something wrong, although I do that when I need to as well. When it comes to dogs, especially puppies who are in the early stages of training, I praise a LOT. I will even wake a puppy up from a nap to praise him for choosing to go lay quietly, clients are always shocked when I say that, they think why would I wake him up when he finally went to sleep but I believe in it! Dogs do what works for them and letting your dog know you like a behavior will only increase the chances of it happening again. Don't wake up human babies, though, different species, different needs in that regard! I also want to make it clear that I don't just praise everything willy-nilly. I choose my times to praise carefully, making sure the behavior is something I really want to see again. If you just say good dog or good kid ALL the time it is going to lose its power, so when you do praise, do it in a meaningful way, using rewards that your kids and dogs enjoy, so that it is meaningful to THEM. That is a tool you can use to make your life easier so use it wisely. Give your kids and/or your dogs a time-in today instead of a time-out. The behavior you praise will come back to haunt you, in a good way! 

Go for a smell walk...

     Anyone who has spent any amount of time in a dog training class knows a bit about heeling.  It is usually one of the fundamental exercises that clients want their dogs to learn. It is a useful command in so many situations and it really does help you to gain control over your walk, so that you walk at YOUR pace and not at your dog's pace. 
     Now forget what you learned in class and take your dog on a smell walk.  What is a smell walk, you might ask? Well, it is a walk in which you let your dog lead YOU.  Let him take you where the smells lead him, whatever direction he chooses (within reason, obviously you're not going to let him lead you into traffic, a patch of poison ivy, or into the creek, unless you want to).  But wait, you may ask, what about all the effort I've put into training my dog to heel?  Won't letting him rule the walk undo all my hard work? If you do it right, no, it won't.  You're still going to practice your heeling and you will do it much more often than you do your smell walks, therefore you shouldn't lose any ground with your training. Even soldiers don't always walk in formation! These smell walks are all about knowing your dog. They are a break for both of you. See if you can predict what he'll like to smell.  See if you can predict which direction he takes, does he stick to your usual walking route, or is there another way that he'd like to go today?  So much of dog training your personal dog comes back to your relationship and exercises like this build that relationship in a positive way. 
     Remember, NO PULLING! That works both ways. Don't pull on your dog and do not allow him to pull you. This is about working together, not getting yanked around! If your dog is pulling, stop until he notices you. Once the leash is slack again, you may continue walking. If you are consistent with this, stop when the dog pulls, continue when the leash is slack, your dog will pick up on it in no time, but consistency is key. If you allow your dog to pull you once, he will pull you again and again and again, ad infinitum. So get out there and let your dog check his pee-mail and have some fun bonding!

Leave Adam Levine Alone

Disclaimer: I have never bought a Maroon 5 album or seen them live, although I've heard from multiple sources that they put on quite a great show. They are not my cup of tea as far as music goes, if I heard them on the radio I might hum along if the mood was right, but I just wanted to get it out there that I am not really a fan of Adam Levine's any more than I am a fan of the guy I see at Dunkin's getting a coffee. He's just there, that is fine with me, all is right with the world, well not really, but I just don't have time to get into that right now, back to the topic at hand.
     Adam Levine said "I hate this country" during an elimination on The Voice. I watched the clip and I totally missed it the first time and if it hadn't been for the website stating what time on the clip he uttered it, I might not have been able to find it. He said it really quietly, to himself, he just happened to be miked for the show.
     Of course people are completely up in arms about this. All the pinheads have come out in full force to complain about how they are offended. Doesn't anyone fucking remember what this country is supposed to be about? It is about freedom. Adam Levine is allowed to hate this country sometimes if he wants to and every single one of us has the right to feel that way, too. Don't get me wrong, there is NO PLACE else I would rather live than right here in the U.S.of A, but somewhere along the line a lot of people have forgotten the point of how this country was founded. We can say things like that because we live HERE and our country has laws based on freedom of speech. Adam shouldn't have to be worried about his livelihood just because of a quiet aside he said in disappointment and frustration on a fucking TV show. I, for one, plan on supporting the fucking guy and buying something of his (an album, t-shirt, I gotta do some research on what he has available) just to say, this is still a FREE country (if you have money RIP Bill Hicks)and we are not puppets! We can do, say, feel whatever we like as long as we are not breaking any of our country's laws or for me personally hurting anyone in the process.  It makes me really sad to think that people only talk about open mindedness and freedom, but are so quick to eviscerate a public figure who might say something beyond the mainstream.
     Adam should not have to apologize. Keep moving, move through the processing plant everyone. We all will have the same grain and the same thoughts. Everyone needs to think for themselves and stop just assimilating and regurgitating everything that the media is feeding you, because guess what? This is not news. Stop creating drama, focus on what is really important and let's all get on with our lives, shall we?
    Now Prancercising, that IS news, and if you watch the clip on HLNtv.com you can make your own decision whether or not Mike Galanos is gay, not that there's anything wrong with that in my book mind you, it is just something I've personally been wondering about for a while now. Love you Mike, but what is with that grin while prancercising? You really embraced the "elation" aspect of this exercise craze, my friend. Whatever makes the elation come forth, right?  And that freedom is one of the many great things about living in this country.
     

A little story for my birthday...

     On the occasion of my thirty fifth birthday today, I wanted to share a little story. All I can be is myself because I never really learned how to be anything else. I half paid attention, but I certainly did gloss. How I glossed! Wheels spinning, papers riffling, ready to battle if only a cause. Or a casue. Spell check that, bitch. I don't even care. This is me now. I do this don't do that don't care. Riffling, riffing, ranting, panting, why did I do that? Plenty of time, but who knows when? 

What. Just happened.

Working behind a cash register in a retail pet store chain, two customers, a woman and a man, presumably married, I'm sure of it, approach me. 

Me:(herein referred to as me) "Hey, how are you doing today?"

Woman:(herein referred to as AH, stands for asshole, obviously)"Great, great!(licking lips and teeth)Just went to the dentist and my teeth feel really clean!"

At this point we make eye contact and I smile at her and say something like, oh yeah, after the dentist mouth is the best! She is looking at my mouth in a puzzled manner, accompanied by a palsy-like shaking of her head.

AH: What is that in your mouth?
Me: Um, nothing...
AH: Do you have your tongue pierced?
Me: ah, yeah I do
AH: Can I see it?
Me: Well, em, no I'd rather not...
AH: Oh come on, let me see it!
Me: Well, ok, I guess (I begrudgingly stick out my tongue just enough for her to see and she interrupts with, 
AH: OH MY GOD THAT IS SO GROSS!!!!!

Really, really, really loudly.
I could not get my tongue in my mouth fast enough and I said, quietly,
Me: Ok, your total is $26.78.

I absolutely hated that job. I am so thankful I don't have to do that anymore. The next time my children are giving me some bullshit I am going to remember this story and give them a little bit of slack. I am so happy that I only have to put with my children's (and husband's) bullshit and that I don't have to take it from strangers anymore. The only hole in that theory is that I actually got paid real money to put up with strangers' bullshit. I don't get paid shit to put up with my kids'. The husband makes all the actual money around here at this point so he is completely off the hook, for now.

Every time I go shopping, to a doctor's office, a meeting, anywhere there is a necessary interaction with another human being I look them in the eye and treat them with friendly respect. I pride myself on that and I am raising my children to be this way, too. I want respect back in this country, real respect which starts with being kinder to each other. Let's start treating people the way we want to be treated. Stop giving each other the hairy eyeball everywhere we go, okay? Stop looking people up and down and putting on your judging jeans. How about instead of looking someone up and down you look them in the face, say hi and then give a quick smile? It works wonders and if they don't smile back who gives a fuck? It feels really good to smile and that smile just did YOU good. You could even get a sick sense of satisfaction knowing that you may have really confused that person. "Why is she smiling at me? Do I have food on my face? Was she making fun of me?"
Yes. Yes, I was, you ignorant, self-centered bitch. Let them think whatever they want, because you are allowed to do that, too. Fuck em. Just be nice. Isn't that what this is all about? Yeah, let us all be nice or leave each other the fuck alone. End of story.