a bad day

I'm embarrassed to feel this way. I'm supposed to be over it and I'm supposedly strong. Don't I usually have all the answers? Not today I don't.

I know this is how relapses start, the slow decline, the rationalizations, but I can't bring myself to blog on EX right now. I know the support is there, but I am ashamed to be feeling this way at this point in my quit. I want to be one of the positive, happy quitters all the time. I don't want to feel like this and put it out there, I just don't. I cried in public today, talk about embarrassing. I don't know if anyone saw me or not, but I had to stop walking and compose myself, tears and snot running down my face. Thank goodness I happened to have a mess of tissues in my pocket. I just keep telling myself all that self talk I've learned, smoking won't make it go away...but I still feel really bad. 

We came home from our walk, I got Rosie situated with a tv show, then I went in my room and sobbed. Gemi came up and licked the snot and tears from my face. I invited him up on the bed with me and spooned him for a while. I started crying harder because he is so old and I know his time is coming. My source of unconditional love is dying, at least on this plane. Oh great, I'm crying again. I've got to stop this right now. Thinking about everything, makes me feel like I can't do this...live this life.

I just want to feel good again. Smoking will make me feel like shit, I know that. I know that craves last 3 minutes and then they're gone. I know that smoking never made anyone's stress go away. I know that they travel in packs and that I can never have just one. I know that the only way out is through. I know that I need to get through at least 4 seasons of triggers. I know how to say NOPE and NEF. I know this stuff, so WHY? WHY when life hits me with stress am I STILL THINKING ABOUT SMOKING? WHY? What do I think I'm going to get out of it? All I would get is a greater urge to smoke more. See? I do know, now I just gotta convince myself of the truth of that statement. Deep down I know the truth, but that addict inside me is still in there, chattering away, making me doubt reality.

I guess I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I want my life to get easier. I want to feel capable again. I want to disappear into the woods! I want to have a patch of ground that I can grow my own food on, a place to "start" my life. I want money. I want to not have to make difficult choices. I want some peace from these thoughts.