The first week of school is over. Annie loves kindergarten, no drama to tell her mama this week. Not even any stories of "bad kids" yet, so I bet the teacher is pleased! Her enthusiasm for school is infectious and it makes me wish I was studying something for a class instead of all this dabbling in different subjects and practices.
If I've been studying anything lately, it has been my tarot deck. I've had it since I was in school myself, but just recently (since I've quit smoking back in March) started learning about the cards again. I am really enjoying it. I've been sort of following this book, "Tarot For Yourself", doing the exercises in the book, giving myself a daily 3 card reading, and boy have I found some insights there.
I was brought up to be somewhat afraid of tarot cards, since a lot of people in the somewhat narrow minded community where I grew up looked at them like the devil's hand tool. When in reality they were just being tools. If your intention is pure then the tarot cards are just a way to show you different insights, to look at situations in a new, unseen way so that you can better deal with the obstacles and challenges in your world.
I guess I started looking at tarot way back when as a sort of rebellion or maybe just out of curiosity, but I always felt overwhelmed, like I had to memorize all 78 cards. Now I am reading the cards intuitively first and then if I want to I can look up the meanings in a book to check it against my first impressions. I am getting so much more out of the cards this way. I am looking at what cards frequently pop up and how their positions can alter the meanings. It amazes me how these cards can truly bring a sense of self knowledge and peacefulness. I don't think I've ever reached this level of knowing myself this well before, it feels good to know what you need and how to acquire it, even if the road from here to there is long. At least I know I'm on the right road, instead of feeling like I am wandering in the dark.
Maybe it seems egocentric, but getting to know myself has made me feel better inside than I have in YEARS. At this point in my life I really have let go of worrying about what other people think. Even though my grandmother and mother ingrained this in my soul, I knew from the start that it wasn't my problem what anyone else thought about me. That is their problem, not mine. I know how to make myself feel worse and now I also know how to make myself feel better. Its empowering! Now I just need to force myself to make the right choice to bring myself up rather than down, because I know how easy it is to come down, up is more difficult, but feels so much better overall.
I want my daughters to have a strong, positive mother to look up to and emulate. I feel like at this point, they have that. Now if I could just accept my husband for who he is, we'd really be making some progress...not that I don't love him, I do. Its just hard when you are doing work on improving yourself and others in your life are content with complacency.
The Justice card keeps popping up in my tarot readings the past several days. To me this means that I am to listen and take it all in, it is not for me to judge, just listen. There is much to be inferred from what goes on underneath and above someone's story, even my own.
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